I’m scrambling around on my desk, looking for pen, paper…multiple tabs are open on my Firefox browser. From one idea to the next, from Craigslist to online gaming websites, I search. I need something to do because I am unemployed and going out of my mind. Blogging can only take up so much of my time. I am far too moody to hold down a job, but intelligent and charming enough to land any that I desire and qualify for… Oh, at all the jobs and schools I have fooled over the years! Too bad I inherited my daddy’s dark Bipolar disorder. You can have something under control, and still not be ‘the same.’
I just stopped. I closed all of those open tabs on my Firefox browser because I figured it out. What I am really looking for is love, friendship, companionship, happiness, joy, satisfaction, and contentment. None of these things are on the world wide web. All of the X Box games, online gaming sites or subscriptions, and getting my XBOX out of pawn don’t fix this. All of the sweet little kittens, puppies and other animals online for adoption or for sale are but a band-aid. There is a real problem here, folks. I have 2 dogs, and 2 birds. I still seek affection and companionship in even more animals, which I do not need, and cannot afford to support. If I were untreated for Bipolar disorder and so on, I would probably been an animal hoarder. I guess its because of all the wonderful things that our furry friends represent which we lack, we seek in them.
There is a void in me, an emptiness that doesn’t seem to be able to be filled with any hobby, object, or anything under the sun. I have been praying about the matter. Though my faith is strong, there are still dark moments such as these, when I am vulnerable, and long for deliverance.
My husband spent the day out with his brother, came home with dinner, ate in his aquarium room, and I ate in my little treadmill/office room. He goes out to smoke and comes in to say goodnight. He went to bed. Its getting dark outside. Now all of those things I mentioned are growing and becoming stronger-those feelings of sadness, loneliness and boredom.
Life is a journey. I’m going to hold onto the rails while we sail over this tide.
God bless you all tonight!
Don’t write something you’ll regret!!!
People like you for what they’re used to, so you cannot change!
Like a r&B singer going pop, its a transition.
Something new is about to be born.
I am not just being restored…
I am recreated.
I am making some major changes in this game called life.
The way I play is going to turned up a few notches…
First I lost my mind.
Then I lost some weight.
Tired of losing.
Time for winning.
So here I go…
I’ll keep you posted.
I’m no longer on the brink.
I’m jumping in.
I don’t believe in luck, so don’t wish it for me.
Diving into my new life, without thinking twice.
There is no time for careful consideration.
All of that pondering has led me no place else but…here.
I’ve made an executive decision.
I’m severing my own ties and breaking my very own chains.
For many years I’ve been a prisoner in a big body and an anxious mind.
Freedom, Is what I choose.
If you are struggling with your body image, your weight, self esteem, or maybe even an eating disorder, I want you to know, you are doing great right where you are! Just keep giving it your all to find recovery, or keep giving it your best in taking care of your precious body! Look at all of the things that your body does for you (and mine too!)! Lets show our bodies the respect they deserve, give them all of our love, pour our heart and soul out into taking care of them, because this is a one time go around…this life.
Don’t let the media tell you what you ‘have to look like’ or be. There are billions of people on earth, so how can there just be only 1 good, and perfect body type!??? Its absurd. I felt I had a ‘defect’ all throughout my high school days because no matter how skinny I got, no matter how little I weighed, even at the very unhealthiest type of small that I got, my stomach would not flatten in such a way like Britney Spears’ or Christina Aguilera’s did. They were my teen idols during that time when they both had just hit it big in the early 2000’s.
We are not all made the same. There were millions of other young girls like me that didn’t have an ‘ideal body’ according to society. However, it wasn’t until after suffering a few years on my own, that later in being privileged to attend an outpatient eating-disorder help group therapy that I met others who dealt with such issues, like myself. It was such a relief! I knew I wasn’t alone because these were real people, right in front of me, and they hurt like I hurt!
You are nothing short of amazing! When God breathed life into your little body as a teeny baby, you were formed with a perfection, a beauty that could never be matched!
Now go, and thrive in your life! You are on fire, baby! You have a mission to carry out! How can you do that being depressed and self loathing? Exactly. We must cheer one another on, as the world isn’t always the most supportive. YOU and I are here for a reason! I applaud you for being YOU, who You are, and getting up this morning, and all of the effort you have even already put forth today!
I Wish you peace, and blessings, dear friend!
Sending you my love, today! From a kindred spirit! Lets do this. Lets live a rich, full life as together we learn to embrace our individuality!
“Sometimes I feel like old blue jeans, cuz you wear me out!!!” -Skylar Grey
I’m pretty sure you can guess what’s behind this one… 😉 haha
Its about growing weary… and tired.
A quick visit to my hometown today!
I am at home and at my desk!!! Ahhhh! lol. Today was a busy, but fun day filled with happiness for me as I was able to reconnect with my best friend in the world, Nae Nae who totally gets me like nothing else…we even have synchronized laughing! I had a blast just hanging with her-we are so connected!
Seeing my daddy was the icing on my cake today, and making him smile and hearing him say he loved me aloud was priceless. I smiled at him the entire time I was there. Sometimes its difficult to hide your emotions, but then there are times when in our love for someone, we must be strong. Though I was smiling ear to ear on the outside, my heart was aching for my dad on the inside. Nobody knows what its like to live a life like his, unless they have been there or had a loved one suffer through it. I, myself, don’t know how it really is and I try to block most of it out. My father is confined to the bed, a double amputee (having no legs and is unable to wear or use the prosthetic ones he was fitted for) with skin cancer/agent orange aftermath all over himself, kidney failure, dementia, and is on dialysis. Dad has been through so much since he lost his legs in 2007. Our lives were forever changed…
Please remember him in your prayers as he needs the comfort of the Lord all around. I am forever grateful for dad and all he has done and made for his family, and even now the gift of joy that his presence brings when I am with him. I could not ask for more.
Now in this somber state I am as of thinking this passage up I am too depressed to clean my house! Its a wreck, too 😦
Normally I am super positive and motivating, but right now I am tired from the trip today and I’m constantly replaying today’s visit with my dad over and over again in my head.
I took him chocolate covered cherries for a treat! He loved them… but yet what a horrible predicament…
I must go now and try and think on something else so I can get our house clean. I’ve been slacking lately…