Christianity, ghosts, lgbtq, Personal Journey, sex

This Needs to Be Talked About.

Satan hates G-d. So he hates man. Men are created in the image of G-d, so the devil loves emasculating the male today. Satan takes greatest pleasure seeing men living the complete opposite way of how they were created to live and be. Lucifer is having a field day with much success dispatching his seducing spirits forth to confuse the male populous (of course this is happening to women as well but I want to address the men right now) with their sexuality, with their design.

If the world only understood that there is a spiritual realm on this planet as well, just as real as what you see in the natural, and far more intelligent…things would be different. What we see in the physical first came about in the spiritual. Society does not handle problems the right way because the source is spiritual not physical. So, instead of true Disciples of Yeshua and the Church really doing their job as in,

Mark 16:17-18 (KJV)

17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.


…we have psychology, psychiatry, anti-psychotics, things like cognitive behavioral therapy and psychiatric hospitalization. I have experience in all of these and they did stall me by keeping me deceived and sedated…No condemnation if you use these things. I did not know the truth myself until this year when ABBA Y-h showed me. There are recreational drugs and alcohol to numb the pain (emotional and physical). Why does the government push vaccinations all the time? That is an entirely different set of blog posts in itself. They want to scare you and teach you that you truly need them. Whatever you renew your mind to is what you will believe. How many drug commercials do you see on TV every day pushing medicines where YOU should ASK your DOCTOR???


They want you to believe that these things are your safety net in a world of disease. Diseases that are simply inflicted by demons might I add (including Cancer). While I have freedom of speech in America to share this, I gotta get it out. People are in total bondage because of their ignorance. This stuff goes deep! Back to the topic at hand.

While men of all ages are “experimenting” sexually in ways other than practicing with their own wife in the marriage bed (undefiled) as designed by The Almighty, Satan laughs as he counts the souls he’s collecting. Every time a man slips into some women’s lingerie or goes shopping for new makeup while living transgender, Satan adds a check mark to his tally (unless The Blood of Yeshua is applied in Salvation and the person is Born Again). It’s only by the boldness of G-d that I am able to present all of this. I speak the Truth in LOVE. A lot of these precious souls don’t even believe  because of the lies of the enemy. Strongholds.  The truth is that this whole thing called life is a BIGGER picture than what you see with your eyes! I want you to know these things and awaken from the slumber of this dark and dying world. Prayer moves mountains. Keep praying!

Demons inside of human beings can make us do all kinds of things. Things we would never ever imagine ourselves doing. Things we could never have the strength and ability or desire to do without that influence inside of us. For example, spirits of lust and seduction can destroy a marriage in the blink of an eye. Then before you know it, you’re thinking, How did it get this far!?! But it did. You had an open door. There were legal rights that allowed these demonic entities access into your lives. Even worse… to your body.  Your very soul. If you are a Christian and sealed by the Holy Spirit you can still be influenced in this way as demons are able to enter into your unsaved flesh and brain. Not your SAVED spirit! Yeshua saved you. Your body is not saved. The Holy Spirit Seal cannot be changed or broken by these forces. Many Christians disagree with this, but look around. Talk to people and do some research, dear Brothers and Sisters. This stuff is unfortunately real and happening all of the time.

If you are not a Born Again Christian, you can be completely POSSESSED. You can actually lose control completely, being a wide open machine or puppet for these dark forces! The kingdom of darkness is eager to use you to accomplish their goals and lavish in their own pleasures while inside of you! You don’t ever want to be in that place. Don’t let yourself be destroyed or throw yourself away by stepping into sin and messing with the devil’s territory.

Before The LORD drew me to Him and I was Born Again, I was so fascinated with haunted houses and historical buildings. I loved ghost-hunting TV shows. I got so excited with the Ouija board. I was thrilled with visiting fortune tellers, having my future foretold with the crystal ball, tarot cards and palm reading. Over the years I tried oils that were powered by people who were really witches. I sent money to a witch across the country to make an old boyfriend return to me. By the way, my late dad on earth was a Freemason.  Not good for me. Generational. Look that up if you want. I could expound further but this isn’t where I’m going.

I was completely intrigued and seduced by the Occult. This is truly the worst place to catch demons. The worst demons, I believe. G-d has been teaching me so much and revealing all of this to me. Glory to The G-d The Father in The Name of Yeshua! Through The Power of The Holy Spirit!

It’s just been on my heart. The topic of the devil trying to destroy the Head of The Home in G-d’s Perfect Order of The Family. The one who should even be willing to die for his wife because he loves her the way Yeshua loved The Church, HIS Bride. The woman is the Glory of the man. Man is not made for man. That is a lie from Hell planted into society and people by demonic forces. Satan’s going for the jugular, running to and fro seeking whom he may devour. Sin can feel good. Really good. But the wages of it is death! Far worse than you can ever imagine. There are so many ways to be lured and then entangled into sin.

Finally, this is the very important Biblical explanation about how the man is made in G-d’s image (more like the image of G-d than woman being made in the image of G-d).

For a man indeed ought not to cover his head,…. The Ethiopic version adds, “whilst he prays”; which is a proper interpretation of the words, though a wrong version; for the apostle’s meaning is not, that a man should not have his head covered at any time, but whilst he is in public worship, praying, prophesying, or singing of psalms: the reason is,

forasmuch as he is the image and glory of G-d. The apostle speaks of man here as in his first creation, in his state of innocence before his fall; but now he has sinned and defaced this image, and come short of this glory; which lay partly in his body being made after the exemplar of the body of Christ, the idea of which G-d had in his eternal mind, and according to which he shaped the body of Adam: and partly in his soul, in that righteousness and holiness, wisdom and knowledge, and all other excellent gifts in which it was formed. So the Jews (b) say, the understanding is “the glory of G-d”. And it chiefly lay in the power and dominion he had over all the creatures, and even over the woman when made; at least this is principally respected here, in which there is such a shine and representation of the glory and majesty, power and dominion of G-d; and therefore man ought to worship him with his head uncovered, where this image and glory of G-d is most illustriously displayed: not but that the woman, is the image and glory of G-d also, and was made as man, after his image and likeness, with respect to internal qualities, as righteousness, holiness, knowledge, etc. and with regard to her power over the other creatures, though in subjection to man; but yet man was first originally and immediately the image and glory of G-d, the woman only secondarily and mediately through man. The man is more perfectly and conspicuously the image and glory of G-d, on account of his more extensive dominion and authority:

but the woman is the glory of the man; being made out of him, and for his help and assistance, and to be a crown of honour and glory to him. The apostle speaks the sense, and in the language of the Jews. The words in Isaiah 44:13. “After the figure of a man, according to the beauty of a man”, are by the Targum rendered, “after the likeness of a man, after the glory of a woman”; and the note of a famous (c) interpreter of theirs upon the last clause is, “this is the woman”, “who is the glory of her husband”; but why is she to be covered for this reason, when the man is to be uncovered? it is to be observed, that it is in the presence and worship of G-d that the one is to be uncovered, and the other covered; the one being the glory of G-d, and therefore to be uncovered before him; and the other the glory of man, and therefore to be covered before G-d; and especially, since being first in the transgression, she who is man’s glory has been the means of his shame and disgrace. The Jews seem to make this the reason of the difference; they ask (d),

“why does a man go out with his head uncovered, and a woman with her head covered? it is answered, it is like to one that has committed a sin, and he is ashamed of the children of men, therefore she goes , “with her head covered”.”

(b) Maimon. in Misn. Chagiga, c. 2. sect 1. 1. (c) R. Sol. Jarchi in Isaiah 44.13. (d) Bereshit Rabba, sect. 17. fol. 15. 1.

7-9. Argument, also, from man’s more immediate relation to G-d, and the woman’s to man.

he is … image … glory of G-d—being created in G-d’s “image,” first and directly: the woman, subsequently, and indirectly, through the mediation of man. Man is the representative of G-d’s “glory” this ideal of man being realized most fully in the Son of man (Ps 8:4, 5; compare 2Co 8:23). Man is declared in Scripture to be both the “image,” and in the “likeness,” of G-d (compare Jas 3:9). But “image” alone is applied to the Son of G-d (Col 1:15; compare Heb 1:3). “Express image,” Greek, “the impress.” The Divine Son is not merely “like” G-d, He is G-d of G-d, “being of one substance (essence) with the Father.” [Nicene Creed].

woman … glory of … man—He does not say, also, “the image of the man.” For the sexes differ: moreover, the woman is created in the image of G-d, as well as the man (Ge 1:26, 27). But as the moon in relation to the sun (Ge 37:9), so woman shines not so much with light direct from G-d, as with light derived from man, that is, in her order in creation; not that she does not in grace come individually into direct communion with G-d; but even here much of her knowledge is mediately given her through man, on whom she is naturally dependent.


Christians, I encourage you to seek The LORD on this. It is definitely something profound to share with the world. If you are not a Christian I encourage you to ponder these things and make a decision for yourself. Yeshua is controversial in this world. People either love Him or hate Him. Most people are okay with G-d Bless, but when you add Jesus or Yeshua, then things get shaken up. Whether you love Him or hate Him, He brings everything to Light. He is so Beautiful. He convicts you of sin, He teaches the true meaning of love and is the only way to G-d The Father. I pray this blesses you and I send my love in Yeshua.



Personal Journey

10 Years…I Love Myself Now!

10 Years...I Love Myself Now!

Yesterday my sister wanted to go shopping because she has lost a lot of weight, and I tagged along for company. One of the stores we went to was Old Navy. Upon entering, there were flashbacks galore. I hadn’t been to an Old Navy store in 10 years-not since I was fresh out of the psychiatric hospital in 2004. My mother did everything she could to try and make me happy. A lot of that resulted in a crap-load of credit card debit.

For a long time I had to keep my bedroom mirror (which showed my reflection from barely below my waist to the top) covered so that I would only see myself from the neck up. Whenever I had company I would always hurry and remove the bag, put it in a dresser drawer, and try and forget. I used smaller garbage bags and folded them over slightly to hide me from myself. This may seem a little crazy, a little dramatic…but it really helped my eating disorder recovery as well. After using the garbage bag for over a year, I took it off one day after I had gone through a few different jeans sizes. It was like a major shock! I saw myself, and I could not believe how much different I looked then from the time when I had to put the bag on! I was very successful at the weight loss attempts to lose the large amount of weight gained while trial and error of various med cocktails to find a balance with Bipolar disorder. What a major victory that was!

Yesterday at the store I saw so many pretty things. Most of them were definitely not my size, far from it, and I knew it would be a while before I could buy and wear the things I want to. There’s this side of me that’s locked up on the inside and will be released upon shedding these regained pounds of pain from the past 5 years. I will be more able to really express myself in my own selection of clothing, and have so much fun getting back into the single digits…

For now, I love me for me! I am happier now at my all time heaviest than I ever was at 123lbs (my all time smallest). Its so ironic. I felt that I was so heavy, overweight, and ugly in a single digit size when struggling in high school. I hated my appearance so much! Plus, if you’ve read any of my other similar posts you may know that I dealt with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. That disorder when combined with an eating disorder can be fatal. However, I got into treatment at the right time.

Its been 10 years this month since it all went down. Since the first mania. Since my Bipolar diagnosis. Since the beginning of lifelong medications.

Who would have ever, ever thought, that 9 years after the nightmare I lived going in and out of that psychiatric hospital, I would be hired on staff as a Mental Health Tech!!! What a strange and awesome thing! I never, ever dreamed in my life that I would someday be employed by the place that left me with a touch of PTSD…the place that saved my life… But they hired me! I made both interviews, did the drug test, but after day one of orientation, I bailed out. I decided I would be very uncomfortable having to do some of the duties of my job which included strip searching patients upon their being admitted or seeing them unclothed which I would be very uncomfortable with. I did not want to restrain yelling children, who were hurting so bad inside that they were acting out, or call codes, etc. This job was very ‘aggressive’ and I am a passive kind of gal. It doesn’t matter. The point is, they hired me, and I landed that job! I stuck it to the man! LOL!

This is a blog post that I never would have dreamed to have been written, many years back. I am so happy that I am able to share this testimony with you. I fought the battle, came out with a few scars (literally and emotionally), but I made it. I see the world through different eyes now. Bipolar disorder is a very wicked disease. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all. The suffering that comes with, the darkness, the dangers of euphoric or irritable manias, the suicide rate…all terrible, beyond terrible. However, its my pain that has led me here and made me the strong, self-actualized woman that I am. It takes most people much of their lives to reach self actualization…(the achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world). I’m one of the exceptions, and so proud of it.

What am I saying?

A painful past can lead to a better, peaceful you. I struggle daily with certain issues, but I know how to cope. Serenity is yours…you will overcome these things. You may have to weather the storm, but the rainbow that follows has a beauty that is beyond comprehension.

God bless everyone today!
I cannot leave God out of this. It is through Him that any addiction or crisis of any sort may be resolved. All the Glory be to the Father! 🙂


Personal Journey

There’s Gotta Be More…

So…There’s this battle inside of me, a war I’ve been waging for a few years now. It has nothing to do with my father’s depressing condition and quality of life, my Bipolar disorder, or past eating disorder issues. Its personal, and circumstantial. You see, my world was shaken and changed forever in 2004. It wasn’t just the diagnosis of Bipolar, it was the dark, and tragic events that led up to, and followed that burned deep down through my veins, bleeding into my soul. I made decisions that were poor, but I did what I had to do to survive my inner struggles and to just make it.

At age 18, I had a complete scholarship at the private college I was accepted into; a full ride as they call it. Not only that, the V.A. or Veterans something where my dad is a Vietnam Veteran were happy to supplement any of my other needs at the time like cost of a new computer, transportation, help with shelter, and so on. Plus, my GPA and mile long list of honors and extracurriculars in high school made me look like a major asset. Basically, I had it made. I could have gotten my B.A. in Psychology for free. No student loans to haunt me for years to come. Maybe even some great help in continuing with my Master’s as well, if I had completed it all by a certain age. I think it was 25 or something. I had so many hours left for government help, but as I was in and out of college through the years, they expired on me. I strongly believe in never looking back, never saying I could have or should have. However, this was a bitter pill to swallow. Not only all of that, but my mental illness made my life a nightmare for a long time. Things most definitely did not turn out the way I had planned, or the way I designed my future in my sentimental scrapbook all of the senior’s in high school receive…


The plan was to complete my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, continue with a Master’s focusing in Counseling Psychology, and finishing with a PsyD. Beyond there I would work my way into my own private practice, have a very nice, substantial income, and in the process fall in love! Upon falling in love, my soul mate and I would marry, honeymoon someplace exotic and tropical, and later have around 4 kids. I would be very, successful in my career, a sexy, slim and trim, wife, and at the same time an amazing mommy to my precious kids, that I’d dreamed of having for years. However I did complete 60 full college credit hours without debt…Hold up!

I am now at the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m living poverty line, but fortunate enough to be able to have very fast internet, allowing me to blog like this and keep up with social networking, a decent place to live, a nice car, for now, and food. Most of my clothes were bought by my mother. She has been such a blessing in these dark times. Oh yes, and most importantly, my biggest blessing is my health insurance. Its the best available, but with this insurance comes a price…No, I don’t pay for it. At all. Its just that in order to keep it, I must stay in the predicament that I am currently in. For a long time I declared myself a slave to the rules of our government. I became very bitter, and quite ungrateful for this priceless health insurance I currently have. In manic times, I considered going down to the government office that pays me and telling them “I quit!” I feel trapped. I tried the “Ticket to work” program, only to have it blow up in my face. My attempts were unsuccessful because the timing was off. I wasn’t mentally ready for that at the time. Though over a year ago I landed a job at a psychiatric hospital, I was unable to keep it. In fact, I only made it through 4 hours of just orientation. It would not have worked out anyway because the position required me to be aggressive with patients that lost control, do CPR, and handle chaos and crisis on a daily basis. I was high on Caffeine upon applying for the position (It induces mania for me as it exacerbates my Prozac which is an anti-depressant, pushing me up too high into a manic episode).

So you see, I want to work. I want to be like everybody else. This is crazy because I’m the one that goes around preaching non-conformity constantly. I just have this ‘get up and go’ about me. I am most definitely a morning person, so upon waking up, I evaluate what I have to look forward to for the day, and desire to get out and get things done. Problem is…now there is nothing to get done, other than to go to appointments or the pharmacy. How did I get here? Why am I here? I was always a good person, except when under the grips of mania, or a deep, dark depression. As time went in during the short amount of time I was in college, my moods or emotions dominated me and all of my capabilities. I had to withdraw. In fact, a few times as my credit hours were acquired over a period of 4 years, which was not only devastating but humiliating.

Since all of this went down this past decade, I have applied and even enrolled in several online universities. Of course, I never went through with any of it. Now I am in a pickle as I ponder on the matter of returning to school, taking out student loans to pay for it, and questioning if I will even be able to work when I must get a decent job within 6 months after graduating to begin paying back these loans. I am not in debt in any way right now. I don’t want to create a large debt either. I don’t trust our government as this country I live in, the U.S., is in such a shape we’ve never seen before. Why take out loans now, when who knows what could happen in the next decade??? I just don’t want to set myself up for failure. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in myself…but, how do I get there? Should I just try to find a job using the 60 hours that I have as a selling point? It worked at that mental hospital. Over the past few years, I have applied to several nice jobs that would make me feel good about myself, as I have college and worked toward a goal career. These jobs had higher requirements and standards. I never met the qualifications. The only jobs I was offered interviews for these last couple of years were for restaurants and things like PetSmart. There is nothing wrong with these if this is where you are. I do not disrespect it at all. Its just not what I’d dreamed of. I need some type of technical degree for something like a medical assistant or something. I know I am absolutely not going back to a regular college or university to finish that B.A. as my memory is not what it used to be. I think that traditional college isn’t for me now, as I am on both Lithium and Lamictal, which even my psychiatrist agrees affects cognition.

All of this brings me to my actual point. If I take out student loans I am unsure of how that will affect my government situation, and I know for a fact, upon getting a job, after a very, very short period of time that fancy insurance of mine will cease. I will no longer qualify. How can people be so rich with health insurance and so poor financially? There is no middle class anymore. I am on 4 psychiatric meds, but have been blessed to get off of the most expensive one which was 900 bucks a month, and no I am not making that up. Then, I take a stomach pill for the damage years of Bulimia have brought me, a Thyroid pill due to my taking Lithium causing that, and inhalers as I am an asthmatic. So, could I pull off the co-pays for this stuff with a job? I am also very needy in the medical area. I somehow get injured a lot and am quite accident prone, but that’s beside the point. I need really great insurance because of my mental health condition and everything.  I go into therapy and get an entire hour with my therapist absolutely free because my insurance is worth millions.

What to do, what to do…

I am tired of feeling stuck. I just feel I am not living my fullest potential. I have so much more to offer this world. I am not ready to retire because I am not even 30 yet!!! On a more positive note, as I’ve mentioned here in the past, I am finally at my all time, optimum level of mental health! When I fill out this survey every time I go see my p doc, Its been a perfect healthy score these last 3 or 4 months! I am focusing better now that I am off of one of the medicines I began in 2006, I’m concentrating well, reading now, and showing interest in activities like reading, writing/blogging, movies, staying in touch with special people, being better at accomplishing things around the house, I am not scared of going to Church with social phobia anymore and everything! I have my strong points.

I know my posts are typically uplifting and positive, but I am just sharing where I am career wise with you guys. I feel there’s more to my purpose on this earth. I am totally open to any and all input from all of you. Please do comment if you have any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions. They would be so, very much appreciated! I am sending love to all of you this morning! I hope you have a great Monday, wherever you are and whatever you may be doing! Thank you if you have read this far, I know it’s a lot.

God bless!!!


Personal Journey

Rising From The Ashes. 10 Years ago…

I was the first one out the door at my high school graduation. For real!!! Too bad there wasn’t a reward for that! ha ha…I took no photos, period. I went straight to the car, and sat in the hot car with leather seats that really sucked because it was in June. I have no clue how I made it through high school.

Then, there was a little college….

However, a little after the beginning of the second semester at my local University, I slowly fell apart…I had to withdraw…

I died at 18. Not physically…something happened though. I experienced my first mania…I lost my grasp on reality…and I began to slowly slip away into the darkness. Maybe you’ve been there before…very, very bright lights, laughing faces, flashing colors, fast cars/90mph in a 55, a high that no drug could ever give anyone-and that’s whether you’ve ever used or not…You know, I could feel my blood pressure drop and I could not get enough sleep at one time a couple days prior to the mania…its almost as if my body was preparing itself for all of that.Then BAM!  It hits. The agitation, the upset, the anger, the rage, the acting out and lashing out at those who matter most…and myself…Oh at the frustration when you wind up on a med or two that causes you to really gain weight. What if you already have an eating disorder like I did? Being a Bulimic put on Depakote was a total nightmare…for me. Its all so blurry now, and in some ways I am glad……

This Spring is the ten year anniversary of my first mania and the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder for me. March 2004 it went down.

This has been a decade of learning-the hardest way I know how. So much has happened…all the way from me losing my mind to my dad losing his legs to losing a few of our own family members…its gone though. I am ready to move on. Nobody likes to look back at their days in the psych. ward when they felt emotionally abused by others while sick and confused…and it was just bad…nobody likes taking meds, especially if they are liquid and taste bad. Nobody likes having a ‘weird’ roommate when you are so insecure and coming back from your short lived vacation on Manic Cloud 9, hating on yourself, or just numb. Nobody likes 5am blood draws while you are still in bed, being rudely awakened at 7am…going to breakfast at 8 am in line, group therapy 4 times a day, being hated on for hogging the pay phone and carrying around a sack of quarters because you are homesick…none of that feels good. And every day when its your turn to see the doc, without fail, you always ask when you going to be discharged first before anything else is discussed…And the population—you are in there with all walks of life…so watch out  :/

I may end up writing a book…but you know, in the end, when I drive by that place now, I no longer tremble in a slight PTSD manner. Now, I look to the sky and thank God that the place that I was so afraid of and hated so much turned out to be the very place that stopped the madness and ended the chaos that fell upon my life and our family. That hospital saved my life. I am thankful for it and the fact that it is continuing to save lives…and that I have been blessed to have been working with the same pdoc for a decade now. I hope he never retires! hehe. God bless all of our caretakers and medical teams…

I am truly blessed to be here tonight typing this blog out at 3:30 in the morning. I am in violation. I need to go to bed! Maybe I will develop something later on using this, cuz I just can’t finish it right now. I just had to get something down though 😉

Love you guys -night!