The majority of these images are…me from a toddler to a high school student, but the four pics on the right are celebrity pop stars who were just getting started and raging during my developmental years. They were part of the manifestation of my eating disorder.
Society and The Media
From Britney Spears, The Spice Girls, Willa Ford, and Christina Aguilera, it doesn’t matter who or which one…I did not measure up to the likes of ANY of them! I just wasn’t born with pop star genes. This was unacceptable. My stomach just would not tone to look like theirs. These women were walking charisma, breathing beauties, and *perfection* at its best. I just didn’t match up.
I just came up with this idea tonight and thought I would create a collage based on the feelings and experiences of a major part of my youth. It wasn’t these celebrities alone that led me to harmful, self-destructive behaviors, it was rejection.
I was a nice “Church Girl”, very much in love with a little high school ladies man, the rebel, the biggest flirt, the cockiest one, the leader of the pack. We knew each other for years in school, and he toyed with my heart strings, sending me all sorts of mixed signals. Perhaps he was really into me? He broke my heart when he showed up at the Sophomore Homecoming dance with another girl (after declining my invite with the response that he just didn’t feel up to it). Ouch.
I guess I could just say that this guy chose a very outgoing young lady over me. My actual first love ironically ended over similar issues. Being a good girl felt really bad. So yeah, love was never a friend of mine for a very long time.
The mall was one of my biggest opponents as well. Just when it wasn’t hard enough facing those teeny chicks my age shopping for clothes, laughing, talking about the lives that they had…it only got worse when I tried the clothes on. Dang.
Mirrors were cannonballs fired from the dark side. They were flaming arrows that stung me deep, down into my soul. For years I used a garbage back to cover much of my torso until I would heal up mentally and get in shape physically, becoming an entirely healthy young woman. Also, I learned in my darkest hours that numbers on scales can really mess with our troubled minds. So, my progress was tracked by being weighed backwards by medical professionals or my mother. Recovery is a tender thing to find.
An Eating Disorder, accompanied by an eating disordered mentality, body dysmorphic disorder, lack of self esteem, shattered dreams, and a broken heart is a whole lot to swallow…
I’m here though!
I am here to tell you that its not over and that you can overcome your disorder or even now like myself, overcome any dark memories or emotions that creep up now and then regarding it all. You are going to be okay, I promise. When we fall down we just have to take a minute to sigh, dry our tears, and then gather our things, get up, and head on out. We were meant to enjoy this life. Its people, society and the media that teach us we are defect. God does not make mistakes. Hold your head high. You are beautiful!