I’m scrambling around on my desk, looking for pen, paper…multiple tabs are open on my Firefox browser. From one idea to the next, from Craigslist to online gaming websites, I search. I need something to do because I am unemployed and going out of my mind. Blogging can only take up so much of my time. I am far too moody to hold down a job, but intelligent and charming enough to land any that I desire and qualify for… Oh, at all the jobs and schools I have fooled over the years! Too bad I inherited my daddy’s dark Bipolar disorder. You can have something under control, and still not be ‘the same.’
I just stopped. I closed all of those open tabs on my Firefox browser because I figured it out. What I am really looking for is love, friendship, companionship, happiness, joy, satisfaction, and contentment. None of these things are on the world wide web. All of the X Box games, online gaming sites or subscriptions, and getting my XBOX out of pawn don’t fix this. All of the sweet little kittens, puppies and other animals online for adoption or for sale are but a band-aid. There is a real problem here, folks. I have 2 dogs, and 2 birds. I still seek affection and companionship in even more animals, which I do not need, and cannot afford to support. If I were untreated for Bipolar disorder and so on, I would probably been an animal hoarder. I guess its because of all the wonderful things that our furry friends represent which we lack, we seek in them.
There is a void in me, an emptiness that doesn’t seem to be able to be filled with any hobby, object, or anything under the sun. I have been praying about the matter. Though my faith is strong, there are still dark moments such as these, when I am vulnerable, and long for deliverance.
My husband spent the day out with his brother, came home with dinner, ate in his aquarium room, and I ate in my little treadmill/office room. He goes out to smoke and comes in to say goodnight. He went to bed. Its getting dark outside. Now all of those things I mentioned are growing and becoming stronger-those feelings of sadness, loneliness and boredom.
Life is a journey. I’m going to hold onto the rails while we sail over this tide.
God bless you all tonight!