Christianity, Church, Personal Journey

Deception.

Poem “Deception” written

By Bishop Dr. FS Bhatti

Purpose of Delilah

Blinding and deceiving

Purpose of world

Greening garden and deceiving

Purpose of Jacob

Receiving but deceiving

Purpose of Jezebel

Believing but deceiving

Purpose of Robber on Cross

Believing but receiving

Purpose of Prince of peace

Seeding but bleeding

Critical Summary of Poem “Deception”

• It is famous story of Old Testament “Samson and Delilah” How she did come purposely to “Samson” to deceive and she blinded his eyes for anger of his mother and king.

• The world shows green garden first of all but inwardly deceive.

• Jacob, Brother of Esau, Isaac loved Esau but his mother loved Jacob, she prepared him to deceive his father and his brother Esau to get the blessing of his father Isaac.

• Jezebel spirit is in Revelation of St. John in New Testament, spiritual polluted women who believes but deceives like Ahab’s of old testament had same belief

• Along with Jesus there was two more person on the cross, both were robbers and murderers, one of Robber accepted Jesus Christ as King by believing and receiving paradise by faith on the cross at that moment.

• Prince of peace, Lord of Lords and King of Kings is the title of Lord Jesus Christ who came according to the prophesies of prophets into this world for sinner and wrecked lives. In His holy love sow seeding righteousness in this world but he was crossed for not mixing up with world under the world’ control system. He did sow seeds of righteous, liberty, love, forgiveness. But he himself is blooded on the cross without any sin and mistakes for human.

I praise God for our Bother Farhad.

Please keep our persecuted Family in the east in prayer.

Remember The Faithfulness Of God in all of the previous “Red Seas” He’s parted in your life with His Great Mercy.

Glory to God for this revelation/reminder today! The people, variables, and circumstances may be different in every storm and season we go through, but God is consistent in His Sovereignty. God’s Favor and Faithfulness remain the same no matter what we are dealing with. Just as He provided for us in all the other seasons of life, He will do it again.

Praise God! I know that’s what I needed to hear today. The Holy Spirit is speaking. Are we listening?

God was with David as he took on the lion and the bear in The Bible. His Faithfulness was no different with Goliath. God is The same. He is steady. Your Heavenly Father is the only certainty you can count on down here under the sun.

The world is thirsty for new life and revival.

People are hurting and they need hope.

If you know Yeshua/Jesus, do not hesitate to share Him with the world! They need that Light!

There is a Kingdom of darkness on this earth under the rule of Satan, but don’t think for one minute that God cannot shake everything up in the blink of an eye! God OWNS all this.

Satan may be the prince of this world but God OWNS this world and everything else!

God will FIGHT for you and plead your cause if you just LET Him.

The only way to be Truly happy and at peace in this life (and the only way to Eternal life and to escape eternal damnation) is to surrender everything to Jesus Christ. To know Him is life and peace here and in the hereafter.

Cry out now. Help is only one prayer away.

You do not have to go to a church building to get help. Fellowship of Believers is vital and important, but we must all have our OWN personal relationship with God through His Only Begotten Son, The Lord Jesus Christ.

You are not over and no matter how dark it seems, know that with God ALL things are possible! ❤️

Christianity, Personal Journey

PRAISE Report for The Glory of God!!! ♥ †

Good morning, WordPress readers and the whole world!
Glory to God! I have a praise report to share with all of you!
That’s why we are here! To LOVE Him, to KNOW Him and bring Him GLORY!
 
I am blown away at the Nature and Character of my Creator…and how I encounter Him every day!
I praise HIM for supernatural healing and our relationship.
I never thought I would ever experience GOD like this!
I truly taste the Mercy and Grace of God every day and in this season of healing especially.
I have never been so ALIVE!
 
John 10:10 King James Version (KJV)
 
10 “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”
 
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There’s this lyric that someone special shared with me, it goes like “Because of You, I desire reality.”
Well…these days, my reality is like a fantasy… I feel like I am dreaming all of the time. I am soooo happy.
Praise THE LORD!
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The Lord is truly nigh to the broken-hearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit. I love feeling His Fire all over me. He embraces me so tenderly!
The LORD sets us FREE!
Psalm 34:18-20 Amplified Bible (AMP)
 
18 “The Lord is near to the heartbroken
And He saves those who are crushed in spirit (contrite in heart, truly sorry for their sin).
19 Many hardships and perplexing circumstances confront the righteous,
But the Lord rescues him from them all.
20 He keeps all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.”
 
2 Corinthians 3:17 Amplified Bible (AMP)
17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom].”
 
 
 
2018 has been, is currently, and will continue to be the greatest year (so far) f change for me in my life. It was prophesied to me over Facebook through an obedient servant of The Lord! Like night and day, brunette vs. blonde, The Lord, my God has transformed EVERYTHING in me and my life. It’s an ongoing process, just saying that He’s on the move and not leaving any stones unturned.
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Yesterday I came to my Papa in tears and bore my soul before Him. He watched me hurting.
Psalm 30:11-12 Amplified Bible (AMP)
 
11 “You have turned my mourning into dancing for me;
You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.”
 
 
The timing of the answered prayer is the kicker for me.
A prayer was answered yesterday that I have waited on for a while. On the SAME DAY….
He loves to show off in all of HIS Majesty!!!
He TRULY is MERCIFUL. He KNOWS!
Yeshua understands all about our broken hearts and souls… He caught all of my tears. He cherishes all of our tears! He is my BEST Friend and I love Him soooo much!
 
 
Psalm 56:8 Amplified Bible (AMP)
 
8 “You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not recorded in Your book?
Not one of them is broken.”
 
 
It’s all because HE IS SOOOO GOOD! God loves ALL of His Children! He LOVES the whole world! HE TRULY fights for us! He will never leave us nor forsake us! My life is a testimony of this verse as well. How GREAT is our GOD!!!
Thanks to all of my friends/family that have been praying for me. You guys are amazing! Praise The LORD for all of you!
 
I am FREE INDEED!!! So are you!!!
 
John 8:36 King James Version (KJV)
 
36 “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”
 
 
 
“Free Indeed” by JJ Heller with lyrics
 
[Verse 1]
On the days, when I’m stuck​ in the mud
When I don’t, feel worthy of love
With the weight, of the world on my back
I’m never alone, remind me of that
 
[Chorus 1]
I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I’m coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed
 
[Verse 2]
I work hard, but the harder I try
I only fall, farther behind
I’m done with the game, I’ve kicked of my shoes
With you by my side, how can I lose?
 
[Chorus 1]
I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I’m coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed
 
[Bridge]
If You have set me free
Then I am free indeed
If You have set me free
Then I am free indeed
 
[Chorus 2]
I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I’m coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am wild as a wave crashing into the sea
I’m coming alive with each breath that I breathe
I believe, I am free
I am free indeed
 
[Outro]
I am free indeed…
 
 
 
Personal Journey

Inner Healing… 8/2/2018 ♥

Glory to God.

This is the first inner healing journal entry I have ever shared with the world.

Yeshua has been healing my broken soul this year like never before. He leads me through the darkest of valleys into His Marvelous Light each day. I am more whole day by day. More to come later about the sensitive topic of inner healing and what it means to be truly broken before God…


 

Inner Healing 7.16.18

 

Eye doctor appointment is an eye opener for sure.

Filling out the paperwork was both humbling and sobering.

Praise God for resurrecting me…

This is huge.

From Beauty to Ashes. All pride is exposed.

Sitting here under this bright, white overhead fluorescent light makes me feel naked-just completely exposed.

The Lord is bringing me to places of confrontation where I have to look at and deal with things that make me seriously uncomfortable.

However, in the midst of it all is a greater intimacy and walk with my Creator-which is what Jesus/Yeshua died for. God wanted Complete Reconciliation between Himself and His Creation. This is The Revelation of The Cross. This is what The Lord used to show me my brokenness. I hadn’t seen The Passion of The Christ in like 15 years. I remembered the movie really wrecked me emotionally.

I was having a terrible 2017 so I tried to press into God like never before. One way I felt led to try was to watch the movie about Jesus/Yeshua. I had no emotional response.

Today, I expound.

August 2, 2018…

At the doctor’s office, I had to update my patient information. It had been so long… I took my clipboard and sat down, ear buds in my ears. I was blaring my personal playlist on Spotify-Particularly, Roots and Wings by Miranda Lambert as I pondered my Testimony and developments underway at The Very Hand of God.

This song is so personal for me. It’s like 2018 has been my year of Breakthrough and I am blown away at my Lord… The Miracles keep unfolding with The Truth!

 

 

Lyrics to “Roots and Wings” by Miranda Lambert

Roots And Wings
I got red dirt stains
On my boots and jeans
Calloused fingers
From my guitar strings
Wild like the wind
In the tall pine trees
I got roots
And I got wings
I raise my glass
On a Saturday night
I thank the Lord above
On my Sunday drive
For Daddy’s hands
And Mama’s dreams
He gave me roots
She gave me wings
He said run on love
And run on life
And plant some seeds
Until you’re tired
Don’t take anything at all for granted
She said raise your hands
And raise your babies
Be yourself
And never change it
Be everything you ever wanna be
He said run on love
And run on life
And plant some seeds
And take your time
Don’t take anything at all for granted
She said raise your hands
And raise your babies
Be yourself
And never change it
Be everything you ever wanna be
I saddle up
When I get down
Sing every night
In a different town
And I’ve got a man who wears my ring
And I got roots
And I got wings
Yeah I got roots
I got wings
Songwriters: Miranda Lambert
Roots And Wings lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 

Back to the doctor visit…

The Lord pulled back the curtain of my heart as my eyes scanned the black and white form.

Emergency contacts. Diagnoses. Previous surgeries, family history, etc…

I could see my ashes all over the place. I am resurrected with Christ, far more than I ever thought. I had no idea just how dead I was.

The enemy tried to completely rob me of my identity. The Lord has intervened.

I am no longer cursed, but blessed, and the things that God is doing just takes my breath away… ♥

Praise The Lord! He is The God of The Living and not The God of the dead! ♥

♥ ♥ ♥

Also, on another beautiful note for The Glory of God, while I was there in the waiting room, I met this lovely couple named Danny and Anna Conn. They are amazing People of God and I praise The Lord for this Divine Appointment. We shared our thoughts about the current state of The Church and had a nice little fellowship. Praise The Lord! I shared God’s Awesome Deliverance Fellowship group with them, then around a week later I ran into Anna at work! We took a picture! Praise The LORD!

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Hallelujah!  ♥

In other news…

The LORD blessed me with a new hairstyle today on August 3, 2018.

I went for the Marilyn Monroe look.

Makeover2018

She was known for different reasons and remains an icon…but God knows why I chose this hairdo. He led me to as part of His story. I relate to Marilyn, like many other women. She may have been involved in darkness and living in sin, but she was a real woman, and she was broken. I praise God for healing my brokenness. It is through Yeshua/Jesus ALONE that ANYBODY can be made WHOLE. ♥

Praise GOD!

Personal Journey

“Still Haven’t Found What I’m Lookin’ For…”

Still Haven’t Found What You’re Looking For? C.S. Lewis, Bono and the Argument from Desire via crossexamined.org

by Ted Wright

For better or worse I was a child of the 80’s, and during that time a new rock band came on the scene that changed pop music, both in Britain, America and eventually the world. I immediately loved their sound as soon as I heard it. Their style was unique, and the lyrics had a real message. Their songs resonated much deeper than the typical pop tunes being played on the radio. That band was U2 from Dublin Ireland.

In May of 1987 the band released their 5th studio album titled “The Joshua Tree.” The second track on that album is a “gospel-esque” song that producer Danny Lanois encouraged Bono to write.[1] The song is “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” The song has been acclaimed by many critics and publications as one of the greatest songs of all time.[2]

What makes this song so unique and timeless? Sure it’s Bono’s excellent vocals, Adam Clayton’s chilled-out bass, and the Edge’s astral guitar licks, but I believe that it is also something more, something much deeper. The song touches on a truth that is embedded in all people – a deep sense of longing and desire for something that this present world cannot fully satisfy. Here is the second refrain.
“I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in her finger tips

It burned like fire

(I was) burning inside her.
I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone.

But I still haven’t found

What I’m looking for.

But I still haven’t found

What I’m looking for.”
The song is written in the style of a gospel-lament which has it roots in the Psalms, the Lamentations of Jeremiah and later, African-American Spirituals. So, what is the singer lamenting?

He is lamenting that no matter what he tries or what he does, ultimate satisfaction isn’t found in this world. His satisfaction must come from somewhere else. He was made for something else, for somewhere else, or perhaps for someone else. He is a pilgrim and a sojourner on this earth, “just a passing through.”

In his book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis articulates an argument for the existence of God based on our dissatisfactions as well as our deepest desire, which sounds a lot like the lyrics of U2’s song. I would even argue that the core idea is the virtually the same.

Lewis’s argument goes like this:

…A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire; well there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world[3]

Philosopher Peter Kreeft has done us a great service and re-formulated Lewis’s argument from desire into a syllogism that might be a little easier to follow.

Every natural innate desire corresponds to some real object that can satisfy that desire
But there exists in us a desire which nothing in time, nothing on earth and no creature can satisfy.
Therefore there must exist something more than time, earth, and creatures which can satisfy this desire.
This something is what people call “God” and “life with God forever.”[4]

Premise 1 – Every natural desire corresponds to some real object that can satisfy that desire

The key here is that every natural desire has a corresponding reality. The implication is that there is a distinction between two kinds of desires – natural desires and artificial desires. Everyone has natural desires, like the desire for water, food, sleep, friendship (companionship), etc…, but we also have desires for things that are artificial, or conditioned by society – like the desire to be famous, or the desire to possess superpowers (like one of the Avengers), or the desire to own a Ferrari.

However, with the artificial desires we don’t recognize a condition called “Ferrari-lessness” which corresponds to, say a natural desire like the desire for water (thirst), or for food (hunger).

Premise 2 – But there exists a desire in us which nothing in time, nothing on earth and no creature can satisfy.

This premise is existentially true, and either one senses it or not. It can’t be forced. It may be pointed out, however, that even though one might not sense a desire for God, it doesn’t mean that the desire is non-existent, just buried under the concerns, the worries and the busyness of life.

The Southern novelist Walker Percy commenting on “the search” in his classic novel The Moviegoer (1961) touches on this idea:

The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the possibility of the search is to be on to something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair.

Something is missing, so we despair. Indeed, as Thoreau writes, “…most men live lives of quiet desperation” (Civil Disobedience & other Essays), or like mythical, Greek Sisyphus, we “feel” the futility and the endless drudgery of work & life and deeply sense that there must be “something more.”

If God is the ultimate source of joy and fellowship, then nothing but Him and Him alone (& life with Him forever) will satisfy the heart of every person.

This truth has been articulated by many different voices throughout history.

“For He [God] has set eternity in the hearts of men…” – King Solomon (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

“Thou, O Lord hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee” – St. Augustine (The Confessions)

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” – Blaise Pascal (Pensees)

“Not to be onto something is to be in despair” – Walker Percy (The Moviegoer)

“I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” – U2 (Bono)

Peter Kreeft brilliantly summarizes premise 2 this way:

The second premise requires only honest introspection. If someone defies it and says, “I am perfectly happy playing with mud pies, sports cars, or money, or sex, or power,” we can only ask, “Are you really?” But we can only appeal, we cannot compel… Even the atheist Jean-Paul Sartre admitted that “there comes a time when one asks, even of Shakespeare, even of Beethoven, ‘Is that all there is?’”[5]

Premise 3 – Therefore there must exist something more than time, earth, and creatures which can satisfy this desire.

Premise 4 – This something is what people call “God” and “life with God forever.”

Admittedly, the conclusion of this argument is not an “air-tight” case for the God of the Bible, but it is certainly a stepping stone. When the argument from desire is placed alongside of other arguments for God’s existence, such as the cosmological argument, and the teleological argument, then I think it makes a pretty compelling case worthy of serious consideration.

Kreeft says, “What it proves is an unknown X, but an unknown whose direction, so to speak, is known. This X is more: more beauty, more desirability, more awesomeness, more joy.”[6]

Our lifelong nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we now feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation. ~ C.S. Lewis (The Weight of Glory, pg. 42)

Truth, Goodness & Beauty

It may be that beauty, and our desire for infinite beauty and truth and goodness is where we feel the unfulfilled longing[7] the most, as Kreeft brilliantly explains:

There are three things that will never die: truth, goodness and beauty. These are three things that we all need, and need absolutely, and know we need absolutely. Our minds want not only some truth and some falsehood, but all truth, without limit. Our wills want not only some good and some evil, but all good, without limit. Our desires, imaginations, feelings or hearts just want not just some beauty and some ugliness, but all beauty without limit.

For these are three things that we will never get bored with, and never will, for all eternity, because they are three attributes of God, and therefore all God’s creation: three transcendental or absolutely universal principles of all reality. …Truth, goodness and beauty are ‘patches of Godlight’ here in the ‘Shadowlands.’ Their home is Yonder.[8]

Christianity teaches that the only way to truly KNOW God is through Jesus Christ who came to reveal Him for Who He truly is.

“Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent” (John 17:3)

Personal Journey

Why Do I Have So Many Issues?

By Lysa TerKeurst

issues

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Romans 8:1 KJV

Have you ever looked at other people and thought to yourself, “How does everyone else have it all together? And why is it I seem to have so many issues?”

I understand. For most of my life, I’ve struggled with my weight and committing to a healthy lifestyle. My soul was rubbed raw from years of trying and failing.

I wanted something to instantly fix my issues.
I wanted to stop calling myself awful names I’d never let another person call me.
I wanted to be naturally thin like my sister.
I wanted to stop crying when I walked into my closet to get dressed in the morning.

So when I lost 25 pounds a few years ago and kept it off for the first time in my life, it was a huge victory.

But my real celebration hasn’t been over the smaller clothing size and reduced numbers on the scale. My real celebration is over the spiritual insights I gained while losing the weight and maintaining my healthy progress.

For me, this has been a spiritual journey — a significant spiritual journey with great physical benefits. I had been overweight physically and underweight spiritually and finally tying those two things together was life changing.

One of the richest lessons has been realizing the amount of mental and spiritual energy I wasted for years just wishing things would change. All the while, I was beating myself up for not having the discipline to make those changes.

If you have an issue with weight and food, you know what I mean. But no matter what issue you are currently dealing with, can I offer a bit of encouragement?

Jesus wants to help you with that issue. He really does. But you’ve got to stop beating yourself up about it and determine to follow His lead.

We like to identify our shortcomings, form them into a club, and beat the tar out of ourselves mentally. Over and over and over again. We label ourselves and soon lose our real identity to the beaten and bruised fragility we call “me.”

We compare, we assume, we assess, we measure and most times walk away shaking our head at how woefully short our “me” falls compared to everyone else. How dangerous it is to hold up the intimate knowledge of our imperfections against the outside packaging of others.

If there is one thing that living 40-plus years has taught me it’s this: All God’s girls have issues. Every single one of us.

But we can make the choice to identify our shortcomings and instead of using them against ourselves, hand them over to Jesus and let Him chisel our rough places.

The grace-filled way Jesus chisels is so vastly different than the way I mentally beat myself up.

My mental scripts are too often full of exaggerated lies that leave me feeling defeated. His chiseling is full of truth that sets me free.

Oh what a difference.

Jesus doesn’t compare.

Jesus doesn’t exaggerate.

Jesus doesn’t condemn. Our key verse, Romans 8:1, confirms this.

He simply says, “Hey, I love you. I love you just how you are. But, I love you too much to leave you stuck in this. So, let’s work on it together. You can do this.

There is something so powerful in really believing that with Jesus’ help you can do this. Say it with me, “I can.” I can is a powerful little twist for a girl feeling deprived and defeated.

I can helps me walk into the dinner party and find the conversation more appealing than the food table. I can helps me stay on the perimeter of the grocery store where the fresher, healthier selections abound and smile that I know this.

I can helps me look at the drive-thru menu and order a fruit tray without even giving a thought to the fried foods I used to snack on. I can reminds me to look online for a restaurant’s nutritional information before going out, ensuring wiser choices. I can reminds me no food will ever taste as sweet as victory does.

Having issues isn’t the absence of victory in our lives. It’s simply a call to action reminding us victory is right around the corner. Today is a great day to start believing you were made to walk in victory and to say to Jesus, “Yes, with Your truth as my guide, I can.”

Dear Lord, help me see myself the way You see me. Remove the lies that defeat me more often than I want to acknowledge. You have set me free. Help me live like I truly believe that. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:
2 Corinthians 4:17, “ For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;” (KJV)
God, Life

God’s Embrace

Standing in the hallway, I’m overwhelmed. My head is spinning. I feel just awful. Armies of racing thoughts invade my fresh-out-of-bed brain attacking in all out war. I ask myself why I feel down and drained and It’s like all at once, I get 5,000 responses in my head. Information overload.

The treadmill is broken and unrepairable, I need exercise. Because the area we live in now has mountains and we were in flat land for 2 years, my allergies are in full bloom this season. A bunch of other stuff trailed behind inside me until I went outside with the dogs. Still daylight at 8 p.m. and I remember why I love spring… I made sure the dogs were doing okay, then I just stood there beside this Bradford Pear tree in the middle of the lawn in front of the house. I gazed up at the sky, smoky gray. I thought about all of my problems and then just closed my eyes to feel God’s embrace. The evening breeze.

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

I felt a couple of drops hit my face a few minutes later and the dogs and I all went back inside.

It does the heart good to get out of the house and into nature. To look up at God so to speak, and away from my monitor sure felt good. I needed that hug. So bad!

God bless everyone tonight.

*Image combo created via Plumb “Cut” lyrics & Google images

Bipolar disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Christianity, encouragement, end times, Faith, God, Jesus, religion

And It’s Okay Now…

Child of God, are you growing weary?

Are Spiritual attacks growing in frequency and intensity like never before?

Personally, I am weary. I feel the pressure of the enemy against me more than ever.

The worse the earth does wax, the closer to the end, the tougher the journey, right?

Putting my own flesh to death in order to live and walk by the Spirit completely is very agonizing. Stepping out of years of Lukewarmness and choosing to take Jesus’ hand means surrendering everything. Giving God 100% and not 25%. This past year I finally got it. My life isn’t for me. This thing is not about me. I was created by the Lord and for Him. Everyone has a unique purpose in life given by God, and I am not ugly because my midsection is not flat. I finally accept myself for who I have become… For the things I didn’t finish. For failures. For my struggles with Bipolar disorder and Bulimia. I finally accept the truth that we all function at different levels with our mental illnesses and whatever else we are battling.

I am so relieved to say that by the end of my twenties (I turn 30 in May) I’ve finally stopped trying to be the person I planned to be, and have offered myself to God completely. May He refine me, mold me, sculpt me, and let me work for Him. I have become ready to be the person God has called me to be. The woman I was designed to be. His personal creation.

And it’s okay now.

*Image via Google, lyrics by Matt Maher (Everything and Nothing) added

Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Personal Journey

What Eating Disorders are really about…

image

While we still have a long way to go in terms of understanding Eating disorders, I believe we have progressed.
Many of us get that “Eating disorders aren’t about food or weight” because it’s the number one phrase that gets shouted from the rooftops by Eating disorder sufferers & Eating disorder support organisations (for good reason) it was/is such a damaging misconception. But what many people still don’t understand, is what they ARE actually about.

I feel like people avoid talking about what Eating disorders are about because they are SO complex, there are often many, many layers, an accumulation of different factors. It gets complicated. The most common phrase I hear…“I know that Eating disorders aren’t about food or weight…it’s about control.” Yeah. Often this is the case, the desire for control is hugely common but it’s a terribly over simplified explanation. The reasons behind the disorder are as individual as the sufferer him/herself, so it’s risky territory listing possible causes…But I’m writing this in the hope that it helps to broaden understanding of this illness and to shed some light into some of the darker, less spoken about underlying issues.

It’s not about food or weight…It’s about feeling unsafe in the world. It’s about feeling like we can’t trust anyone, not even ourselves. The Eating Disorder becomes “the reliable one”.

It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies.

It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop.

It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with; the Eating Disorder provides us with simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight.

It’s about needing to feel loved and comforted but feeling unworthy of real love and comfort. It’s about hating having needs and desires. For some of us, needs make us feel greedy and selfish. For some of us, having needs means we can easily get hurt if those needs are not met. For some of us, we don’t believe we deserve to have our needs met. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need anything by avoiding food, one of our greatest primal needs.

It’s about having low self esteem. It’s about more than that, it’s about self hatred. A self hatred that could be there for another huge list of reasons. Our trust may have been broken by a loved one, we may have been abused: emotionally, physically, sexually. We may have done things we deeply regret. We may blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self hatred is there but we feel it in our core. It’s something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark, dangerous and disgustingly horrible. We believe we are “bad” people and deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, binge and excessively exercise because we feel like we deserve to die a slow and painful death. We deserve this miserable life.

It’s about debilitating anxiety and/or depression that we struggle to deal with so we use the Eating Disorder to cope. Some of us spend years swinging between depression and the Eating Disorder, when one gets better, the other gets worse.

It’s about being paralysed by perfectionism. In every sense of the word. Many of us have obsessive compulsive personalities and expectations that are so high we constantly feel like we are failing. We put ridiculous amounts of pressure on ourselves to be “the best”. We compare ourselves to everyone around us and constantly feel like we are falling behind.

It’s about the disgust we have for our bodies. Some of us have been teased and shamed for our weight by kids in the school yard, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers. Some of us feel embarrassed by our changing bodies as we go through puberty. Some of us blame our bodies for acts of violation committed against us. Somehow, our bodies have betrayed us.

It’s about the environment we grew up in. Some of us grew up witnessing the messy divorce of our parents, some of us experienced the death of an important loved one, some of us were foster children, moved from household to household. Some of us were bullied for being poor or bullied for being rich. Some of us grew up in chaotic households. For some of us, our parents were distant, for others our parents were overbearing and overprotective.

It’s about secrecy and silence. We are all silently screaming for something. Love, help, escape, forgiveness, support, comfort. We use our bodies and behaviours to communicate instead of our voices.

It’s about fear. We are afraid of growing up, afraid of staying young. Afraid of our future, afraid of our past. Some of us are afraid of failure, some of us are afraid of success. Afraid of being too much or not enough. Some of us are scared we will not be brilliant or amazing or unique or rich or famous or inspiring or important or seen…or LOVED. We are afraid we will never find someone who will love us, unconditionally and some of us are afraid we will. Some of us are afraid of both. It’s these contradictions that can make life so confusing and scary and difficult to deal with.

It’s about holding onto something that gives us an identity. We are afraid that without the Eating Disorder, we are nothing. In some weird way, we think it makes us strong. We believe our Eating Disorder masks our fear, our shame, our vulnerability. The things, we believe, make us weak.

It’s about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the Eating Disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear etc.

It’s about being an extremely sensitive soul. We feel things deeply and intensely. We are effected by others emotions easily and often take on their pain. Others feelings and problems become ours. We are emotionally reactive, we cry at the drop of a hat, the daily news makes our heart hurt and our mood plummet. We take things personally and over think E V E R Y T H I N G. We feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, like it is our responsibility to save it (the world).

It’s about subconsciously internalising the “Western Beauty Ideal” we are faced with day in day out. It’s about being bombarded with advertising that is constantly telling us we are not good enough.

It’s about loneliness. Like we don’t fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us, this is a loneliness, an emptiness that we believe cannot be filled.

It’s about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences.

It’s about being passive. Many of us, put others first at a huge cost to our own health and happiness. We say yes when we mean no and no when we mean yes. We struggle with being assertive and as a result often get taken advantage of. This only feeds into our unworthiness.

It’s about privacy, having something that is ours and only ours. Something no one else can touch.

It’s not about weight, but for some of us, it is. However, not in the way you’d think. Some of us want to shrink so that we become invisible. We want to become as small as we feel. We want to hide away. Our shrinking body becomes a metaphor for our shrinking soul. Some of us, want to become bigger so we can hide behind our weight. So that our body fat becomes our protection. So we become “undesirable” to men or women. So we don’t have to face relationships or intimacy or our sexuality. Things that terrify us. Our bodies reflect how we feel about ourselves on the INSIDE. What drains our spirit, drains our body.

It’s about being in so much emotional pain that you can’t even begin to allow yourself to feel it or acknowledge it, the pain the eating disorder brings seems like a blessing in comparison. We use the Eating Disorder to avoid and distract ourselves from all the things that are really going on, inside. More often than not, it’s an accumulation of any number of these thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences and there is bound to be plenty of other influencing factors that I haven’t listed. Everyone is different.This is just a list of some of the more common causes that I know of from experience living with my own Eating Disorder and being close to many others who have Eating disorders, it is by NO means the ‘absolute’ list.

Please also know that insight into these reasons takes time in therapy and a lot of self reflection and personal development…a sufferer doesn’t make a conscious decision to develop an Eating Disorder so they can avoid feeling emotional pain, for example. This is all going on subconsciously. The Eating Disorder masks all of this and convinces us that our only problem is that we are fat.

So if someone you care about is struggling with an Eating Disorder, instead of telling them to “just eat”, ask them what they believe is behind their Eating Disorder and don’t take “I’m just fat” as a valid answer…because that is NEVER the answer. No matter how strongly they feel that in the moment, it almost always goes much deeper than that.

Help us stop the silence. Let’s start talking about this on a deeper, less superficial level. One of the most important steps towards recovery involves allowing us to explore and express our own personal stories. We need to understand why we have developed an Eating Disorder and how it serves us before we have any hope of true recovery.


This post is an exact COPY from The Healing Nest on Tumblr.

This post is not mine, I claim no rights to it. I’m just amazed by the truth within the writing here.

Since I began struggling with my eating disorder at 16, found Recovery at 22, and up until now…This is just the most amazing way to explain what it’s like for us all. For everyone in the midst of the pain and the eating disorder in this moment, for anyone who wants to understand, or perhaps you would like to help them better understand you…this is by far the best thing I’ve ever found. Just…Wow.

 To view the original post, go here:

You’re not alone, precious one.

God bless.

 

Love, Romance, Valentine Blog, Valentine's Day

My Valentine!

Married 6 years next month! Time is flying by. I am so grateful to be sharing our 6th Valentine’s together with my hubby!

I love him so. Ups & downs, but never boring 🙂

He is a walking piece of evidence of the Lord working in my life, and in his, as we were cut out for each other. It all makes sense now…more and more.