Personal Journey

Can’t Get Out of Bed?

If all you got left is a whisper, praise HIM, for HE is worthy!

Ask JESUS for the will and ability to get out of bed today. Maybe you want to go back to bed when you finish your cereal after reading this. Believe me, I understand that. Maybe you have grown to hate the sunlight and just can’t face the days anymore. You don’t have it in you to go to the mailbox much less the gym…

But there is hope! JESUS CHRIST is The Answer! He is The Way, The Truth and The Life! No one comes to The Father but by Him. Why don’t you surrender this day, let it all out in a prayer. Maybe you can’t leave your house, but you can cry out to Jesus. He will never ever fail you. You will NEVER be alone ever again because The Holy Spirit of God will come to dwell inside of you and He will quicken you to a new Life in Christ.

It won’t be easy, but it’s beyond worth it and it is the best decision you could ever make. Jesus said in   Matthew 11:28-30,  

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The benefits of Christ are INFINITELY BEYOND THIS LIFE. The point of it all is truly the salvation of your soul! Don’t put it off another day. You don’t have to hurt alone anymore in this life. Jesus changes everything. And If your circumstances don’t change, you will have Someone AMAZING to help bear your burdens. There is life in Christ. Without Jesus you are dead. Your worst day as a Christian is incomparable to your best day as a lost sinner in a dark and dying world. Find ETERNAL LIFE and rest for your souls in Jesus alone, Beloved. God bless you dearly. Take it from someone whose been there.  ♥

combat depression, Depression, Eating Disorder, God, Hope, Life, lifestyle, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journey, self-help, Soul Searching

Lifting Your Depression

15 Quotes to lift your spirits when depressed. I love this website overall period! 🙂

My favorite one on the list:

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.” — Richard Bach

Have a great day, friends! God bless you always!

-Amanda ❤



2014, America, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Childhood, Christianity, coping, Coping with death, Depression, Eating Disorder, end times, family, God, Government, Health, helping others, Hope, humanity, Israel, Jesus, Life, Mental Health, People, Personal Journey, Politics, pop culture, Rant, Self Help, short life, Suicide, true happiness, unbearable pain, War

God, We’re Down Here!!!

The weight of a heavy heart can break a person down just as that of thick, iron chains made to bind someone to prison walls. Many people around the world are made prisoners to captors unseen. There’s a war going on inside of us, too. One put down, one insecurity, in a world where there is shown to be only one particular way to look to be beautiful, and one definition of success…


Father, We are crying out to you!

We are hurting so much down here with our families and friends in Israel, Iraq, Ukraine and other places, suffering beyond measure! They are running for their lives, just trying to survive, and facing torture and execution in the rawest forms. In this war-torn world full of evil, power hungry men, some hiding behind religion, there are also people fighting wars at home. Wars inside of them.


There are wars of the heart, and in the human mind. At home, someone is alone in their bedroom, isolating. In the bathroom, someone is loathing the person before their eyes, their reflection. People are destroying themselves in places where there is no war (at least not yet). It’s suicide. People become so overwhelmed and they hurt inside so strongly, believing  they cannot go on at all. So many human beings have chosen and continue to choose to leave this world of hurt, and the exhausting, draining self hatred felt.

There are a million reasons why someone would take their own life.

Sometimes the pain stems from horrific childhood experiences, abuse, bullying and name calling, feeling unworthy, and not like the others. Painful trauma during the developmental years of adolescence is really difficult to let go of because its such a  tender time period. We are trying to figure out who we are in high school, to fit in or be accepted, learning more about our sexuality, finding ourselves fitting into various circles of friends- larger circles, smaller, more intimate groups, or perhaps the loner life. The majority of us seem to experience our first taste of heartbreak (I know we break hearts, and our hearts get broken). We are rejected by that person that we adore, dream, or fantasize about. Then we further question ourselves. What is wrong with me?  This of course also applies to group situations like the participation in extracurricular activities, clubs, and events of ‘cliques’ that we don’t quite make the cut for. Yeah, high school sucks… Well, not for everyone though.

The stress that comes along after graduating with going to college, finding a job (college or no of course), making a living and such, is yet another significant and trying time in the lives of adults. However, not everyone lives out the societal image of success, nor does the same things. I know I didn’t. The whole college, job, career, fancy car, happy marriage, nice house, healthy kids, and the white, picket fence to top if off is a fantasy. I’m guessing most of these people who are living the dream are also living with student loans out the butt, car payments, struggles in the home like everyone else (sometimes marriage counseling), a  mortgage, and the major costs and cares of their offspring like insurance, college, and whatever else.

There are a billion other paths to take in the journey of life. Mine is nothing like the American Dream. That’s what it is nowadays. All of that stuff really is a dream now.

So yeah, life is a stressful thing. We all tolerate stress in our own way. I have a very short circuit myself. There are psychiatric disorders or mental illnesses that affect the lives of so many people worldwide. Many people suffer from depression, or like myself, Bipolar disorder (manic depression with extreme highs and then the darkest lows). All of these really mess with our minds, our lives, how we see things, and how we handle life. There are tons of  physical illnesses alive in this world. I know people who battle cancer, diabetes, and a few other things. Both illnesses of the mind and the body can make us want to just escape our bodies, our minds, ourselves.

This world is hurting so bad right now. In some parts of the world we worry about our children getting beheaded or blown away, while in others we worry about shootings in schools, cyber bullying, and all sorts of other stuff. The kids that are blessed to still be living where the privilege of the internet and all other technologies are available, are in danger in yet another way. Online predators are after our kids. Also, these days we don’t have to pay for nasty television channels to be added to our cable. We get these horribly, nasty reality shows like the one recently added on VH1 that I will not mention. This is America? The President really needs to take a look at what he’s letting the little children, aka future leaders, have access to with the TV remote. YouTube is getting just as raunchy. I’m not even going to go there. It can be informative and helpful, but like anything else it can be used for the wrong things.

Our children are hurting one way or another, and from the lowest to the greatest and most horrific extremity, its just never been this evil…

People hate themselves because they do not measure up to the likes of stars in the lime light. Reality TV stars, thriving singers, actors, and many different celebrities are all over the place. They are on the magazine stands while we wait in line. We look down at those chocolate cakes in our shopping carts and then think twice… It’s not just weight. They are on our children’s smartphones and in their Beats By Dre headphones…(I’m not judging, I have a pair). We compare ourselves to things that aren’t real, and not always on a conscious level.

To sum all of this up, in my opinion, people are killing people, one way or another. People can be destroyed just as easily with the media, society, and what they are told they need to be or aren’t, just as sure as with an assault rifle or blade. They tell us what lives must consist of to be successful. As we know, in the suffering countries where war is everywhere, people are killing people in horrific manners, there is so much pain, and injustice. Its growing and growing. Its getting to be too much.

There is a battle for the spirit. Warriors in the Body of Christ its time we stand up for our fellow man. Let us come together and pray for those in these terrorist situations that are out of our hands. I get so frustrated and angry with the earth that we live on. This world is not fit for children like it used to be. I am not a pessimist, I am just speaking with my eyes wide open. I’m crying out to God. We are down here! I know He hasn’t given up on us. There is a reward for the faithful.

There is also a judgement of God awaiting those who kill. Those who are the opposite of love…

I am in no position to go any further.

God bless.


Note: If you are suffering and feel it far too much to go on, considering suicide, or anything, please go


The website you will find here is for everyone around the world. So no matter where you are you will be able to find help when in crisis and get information. Your life is far more precious than you know. You have something this world needs or you would not have been sent here. You are breathing, your mission is incomplete. God bless you, dear one.


Personal Journey

BIPOLAR patients: WARNING, CAFFEINE consumption!!! READ!!!


Image<—– Does this look familiar or appealing to you, friend? It does to me.. I consumed 4 of the 13.7 ounce Fraps in  12 hour sand now I cannot sleep…No, I am not Anti-Starbucks, this just happens to be one of my most favorite beverages.

I can’t sleep at ALL. Its 2 a.m. and my husband is in bed, but I am too restless to drift off. Plus, i had a nap from 7-10 p.m. a few hours back. The fact that I had nearly 450mg of Caffeine yesterday is not helping any. What am I going to do with this insomnia? Probably finish the laundry. Problem is, 90% of the house is already clean from my being so highly Caffeinated yesterday, so that leaves me with little to do. I’m not very inspired tonight to write, and that’s primarily because of the way the Caffeine warps my mind for like a day or two after dramatic consumption. It may seem strange to you, you know, how Caffeine affects me, my mentality and behavior with my Bipolar Disorder. It baffled me for the longest time. I’ve learned to accept it, but up until now I hadn’t learned to stay away from it-which I really regret now. All of the time lost to anger, frustration and pure discontent, which all result from drinking or eating stuff with the drug in it, cannot be brought back. I must just learn from these experiences and move on with my life, never to consume the drug anymore as it is a guaranteed way to destroy everything in my world.

Like doctors and many patients or people dealing with Bipolar Disorder, I am very aware that consuming too much Caffeine can keep you awake at night, or even all night. One of the factors that can lead to a manic episode is the lack of a good night’s sleep. Also, an actual symptom of hypo-mania or mania, is the lack of the need for sleep, having endless energy, kind of like the Energizer Bunny.-you keep going and going and…Well, I realize now that I have very recently had an extreme hypo-manic episode. I would call what I have experienced for the last few days an actual manic episode, but I was actually in control of my mind and actions, as I chose not to harm myself and stay away from Alcohol. Tonight…I’m wide awake. I don’t feel the need for sleep. I am not manic, I just still have a crap-load of the Caffeine drug inside of me. In fact, the affect this drug has on my body is so intense that It even affects me hours and hours later after being taken in. Why???

“Caffeine Effects

Physicians have long been aware that bipolar patients are adversely affected by caffeine. Caffeine-created insomnia can help trigger or escalate a mania or hypomania, and can make bipolar patients more anxious and panicky.

A 2009 Italian study by C. Baethge and several colleagues, “Coffee and cigarette use: association with suicidal acts in 352 Sardinian bipolar disorder patients,” examined the effects of smoking and coffee drinking on bipolar patients and uncovered an even more disturbing effect of caffeine. Bipolar patients who drank coffee were 2.42 times more likely to attempt suicide than patients who did not drink coffee. Bipolar patients who smoked were 1.79 times more likely to attempt suicide than nonsmokers.

Avoid Caffeine

The Italian study is the first report suggesting that caffeine can cause bipolar patients to attempt suicide. The co-authors of the study warn that even legal substances that affect peoples’ moods and energy levels may have harmful effects on bipolar patients. Bipolar patients should avoid caffeine consumption and should give up smoking.”  –Whether you agree with any of this is up to you, I am not so sure about the smoking part. I mean I know its bad for your lungs though.

***This came from an article from, and the URL to visit the entire article is:

I also found this in my research:  -If you check this link out you will read that the author states that Caffeine exacerbates the effects of many Bipolar medications-especially those that are ‘activating’ like Abilify and anti-depressants like Prozac, Effexor, and Zoloft. If you are like me and do not know what the word “exacerbate” means, I looked it up and found it to be this; The definition of exacerbate: To increase the severity, violence, or bitterness of; aggravate: (In a sentence) a speech that exacerbated racial tensions; a heavy rainfall that exacerbated the flood problems.. So, that means that for a person with Bipolar disorder, consuming this drug while being on an anti-depressant or drug like Abilify, the effects are amplified, making the patient at high risk for a manic relapse. This is my understanding using that definition, if I am wrong or if it is out of context please correct me, because this is a very important issue, and I really want to educate my fellow peers with this disease about the effects of Caffeine usage on them, being medicated for Bipolar disorder. Even my own psychiatrist has never told me this. I think I need to educate him, and he’s even a neurologist as well…gosh.

I am sure there is tons of other literature/facts online to back me, and I am sure there are even ones to contradict what I have said as well, as this is a big world, very diverse, with all kinds of people, experiences, and situations. Basically, I just want you to please reconsider your Caffeine intake, like ANY of it if you have Bipolar disorder and are taking stimulating medications as mentioned. I am not a medical doc, psychiatrist, or any professional with a substantial background in mental health. I am just like you, a patient, relying on the care and input of my medical team to keep me stable. Please look into this yourself, friends. I only wrote this out of love. God bless everyone…

Love you guys…


Caffeine exacerbates the side effects of many bipolar disorder medications, especially those that are ‘activating’ such as Abilify and anti depressants such as Effexor,  Prozac and Zoloft.  But… to be honest, I was able to drink plenty of caffeine when  I was on lithium as it was so sedating! – See more at:
Caffeine exacerbates the side effects of many bipolar disorder medications, especially those that are ‘activating’ such as Abilify and anti depressants such as Effexor,  Prozac and Zoloft.  But… to be honest, I was able to drink plenty of caffeine when  I was on lithium as it was so sedating! – See more at:
Caffeine exacerbates the side effects of many bipolar disorder medications, especially those that are ‘activating’ such as Abilify and anti depressants such as Effexor,  Prozac and Zoloft.  But… to be honest, I was able to drink plenty of caffeine when  I was on lithium as it was so sedating! – See more at:
Personal Journey

Rising From The Ashes. 10 Years ago…

I was the first one out the door at my high school graduation. For real!!! Too bad there wasn’t a reward for that! ha ha…I took no photos, period. I went straight to the car, and sat in the hot car with leather seats that really sucked because it was in June. I have no clue how I made it through high school.

Then, there was a little college….

However, a little after the beginning of the second semester at my local University, I slowly fell apart…I had to withdraw…

I died at 18. Not physically…something happened though. I experienced my first mania…I lost my grasp on reality…and I began to slowly slip away into the darkness. Maybe you’ve been there before…very, very bright lights, laughing faces, flashing colors, fast cars/90mph in a 55, a high that no drug could ever give anyone-and that’s whether you’ve ever used or not…You know, I could feel my blood pressure drop and I could not get enough sleep at one time a couple days prior to the mania…its almost as if my body was preparing itself for all of that.Then BAM!  It hits. The agitation, the upset, the anger, the rage, the acting out and lashing out at those who matter most…and myself…Oh at the frustration when you wind up on a med or two that causes you to really gain weight. What if you already have an eating disorder like I did? Being a Bulimic put on Depakote was a total nightmare…for me. Its all so blurry now, and in some ways I am glad……

This Spring is the ten year anniversary of my first mania and the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder for me. March 2004 it went down.

This has been a decade of learning-the hardest way I know how. So much has happened…all the way from me losing my mind to my dad losing his legs to losing a few of our own family members…its gone though. I am ready to move on. Nobody likes to look back at their days in the psych. ward when they felt emotionally abused by others while sick and confused…and it was just bad…nobody likes taking meds, especially if they are liquid and taste bad. Nobody likes having a ‘weird’ roommate when you are so insecure and coming back from your short lived vacation on Manic Cloud 9, hating on yourself, or just numb. Nobody likes 5am blood draws while you are still in bed, being rudely awakened at 7am…going to breakfast at 8 am in line, group therapy 4 times a day, being hated on for hogging the pay phone and carrying around a sack of quarters because you are homesick…none of that feels good. And every day when its your turn to see the doc, without fail, you always ask when you going to be discharged first before anything else is discussed…And the population—you are in there with all walks of life…so watch out  :/

I may end up writing a book…but you know, in the end, when I drive by that place now, I no longer tremble in a slight PTSD manner. Now, I look to the sky and thank God that the place that I was so afraid of and hated so much turned out to be the very place that stopped the madness and ended the chaos that fell upon my life and our family. That hospital saved my life. I am thankful for it and the fact that it is continuing to save lives…and that I have been blessed to have been working with the same pdoc for a decade now. I hope he never retires! hehe. God bless all of our caretakers and medical teams…

I am truly blessed to be here tonight typing this blog out at 3:30 in the morning. I am in violation. I need to go to bed! Maybe I will develop something later on using this, cuz I just can’t finish it right now. I just had to get something down though 😉

Love you guys -night!