My body was never good enough as a teenager and into my early twenties. I had this poster of Britney Spears I held as my high standard. As close as I got…even being able to buy a single digit size 2 piece, It did NOT look like the poster! I absolutely did NOT look right. I shed so many pounds! I even did some toning and kickboxing and still no.
The fact is, not everybody’s body is gonna look like the 18 year old Britney Spears centerfold that I kept as a measuring tool!
I would NEVER accept the reality that only a small percentage of women have the physical makeup capable of pulling off a bikini look like hers. But now, looking back as a 30 year old woman, I feel like a caged bird set free!!!
I found Recovery from my eating disorder at 22, but it was when I finally considered myself as my own unique type of beauty that things began to change. My stubborn self-criticizing mind fought it so hard. I resisted this new way of thinking to the max and then some.
Basically, to sum it up.,..
Through years of Bulimia, depression, therapy, Bipolar hospitalizations, eating disorder outpatient groups, and constant comparing myself to other women (famous and non-famous) I have learned that I am enough. I am okay. You see, for me it was all about rejection. The lies of the Devil himself led me to constant negative thought patterns, 24/7. I hated my life, my body…i hated myself. I was going against myself. My own worst enemy.*
*Note: I was NOT my own worst enemy. Satan, the devil himself was…and is now for everyone.
One day I had an awakening. This body of mine that I hated, the very cause of my unhappiness, that I even self harmed over the years, was more than my body.
This is my Soul Carrier!
My flesh that I walk in and live in every day of my life contains something so delicate, so precious, so much more…
My Soul! My TRUE Being is operating from inside my now plus-sized, unique body. Becoming a Christian makes this the Temple of God. I am not my own. I was bought at a price. Though I didn’t believe that for years, the freedom I have NOW within the knowledge that I was believing lies…is priceless. Yes, ultimately it is
Jesus = freedom. You know in the Bible there’s a verse for this feeling.
“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
It is possible to absolutely hate yourself, what you look like & think your life is over…and still overcome it all to find peace that is out of this world. I’m here to tell you it can be done, no matter what the circumstances. Everybody has their own personal story and journey. All of the clothes I bought in debt, gym memberships, and all other attempts to perfect this look i had in my head, totally don’t have to have ’em! I am beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God Himself, just as you are! Shopping sprees, binging on sweets and stuff only puts a Band-Aid on the pain. There is relief. Peace, out of this world.