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For the brokenhearted, struggling woman

Jesusletter13 Jesusletter11 Jesusletter10 Jesusletter9 Jesusletter8 Jesusletter7Jesusletter6 Jesusletter5 Jesusletter4























































I found all of these on Google and have no idea who made them. I adore them though! They are so encouraging. I hope they inspire and comfort anyone reading. Letters from Jesus…

God bless you, always.

abuse, addiction, Anorexia, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Faith, fears, God, Hope, Inspiration, Inspirational quotes, Jesus, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journey, Truth, uplifting

When I Messed Up

I made a mistake tonight, nothing huge, but it really hurt. What I did really stole my joy within a couple of moments thereafter. And then it hit me. I had a very inspiring thought which was obviously from the Holy Spirit within me… I questioned my pain, unlike ever in my existence. I rationalized in Spirit that the hurt I was experiencing was nothing. Maybe some years back I would’ve remained devastated for a very long period of time, replaying it all in my mind. Not now. For it is now that I have an understanding that there is far more than this. The pain endured in this world while we are alive for an uncertain amount of years cannot be compared to the Glory that is to be revealed to us later. At this point in my life I’m able to let go of my mistakes more easily and sometimes more quickly. I see the suffering in the world. The depression, panic, anxieties, poverty, wars, persecution, evil…I wouldn’t trade this acquired wisdom for anything. Oh, how the world needs more love. More compassion and patience.

This past year, I have become so very much closer to my Maker, God Almighty, my first Love. This faith explosion in the deepest parts of my heart, in all of my innermost being has really changed my life. If you’re wondering how this happened, it all began in July 2014 when I went shopping for clothes. I found a few beautiful pieces on sale in a very popular clothing store, known for its quality and great deals. Anyway, after I’d been home for while, I realized that at the particular time I was living in, I didn’t need all 3. I felt like I could’ve used my money in a better way. My husband drove me back to the store, I ran inside and got a refund on 2 of the 3 pieces. It was difficult to let these go (especially because of the difficulty to find such great clothing actually in store and not online in a plus size.)

My husband suggested we go someplace different. We wound up at this huge retail park behind the city mall. I had no clue where to go until he was like “Why don’t you go into that Christian bookstore?” A light came on inside and the idea was very exciting.  So I went in. I came out with a Bible study workbook for women called Stuck, by Christian author Jennie Allen. It was the cover that sold me, and I was truly stuck at the time. It was the first actual way that I ever sought to study the Bible for myself, alone, outside of Church. Oh boy, this Study-book was the beginning of great things!

I began diving deeper into God’s Word. When I would share Scripture online on those cute, motivational posters, the times I looked things up that referenced to various verses & parts of the Bible, I looked for myself to verify it.

Following the birth of my first real journey in the Word, was the adding of more Christian songs to my Spotify playlists. I discovered all sorts of new music by artists I’d never heard of. God literally put a new song in my heart. Free-falling into a full-time Christian lifestyle was a gradual process. We are on this journey and forever growing closer to Him and learning. My hope, my faith, my determination…Everything grew.

I set out to create a post to encourage others tonight because the world is hurting right now.  We are all dealing with something…I see the search engine terms on my blog stats. Many people are searching with the word depression. I want you to know that I, and billions of others are suffering with you tonight. I hope these posters that I gathered online will offer some encouragement tonight.

God bless you, precious ones.













abuse, addiction, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, coping, Depression, Diabetes, divorce, Eating Disorders, Faith, God, Inspirational, Jesus, Personal Journey, prayer, PTSD

Game Over


Game vs. Journey

According to Webster, a game is a physical or mental activity or contest that has rules and that people do for pleasure. 

According to Webster, a journey is an act of traveling from one place to another.

  • It is truth that life is a journey, not a game.
  • Life in this realm is a one time shot. There are no extra lives or bonuses. Game Over is permanent.
  • Like in games, you can quit…but the consequences are not worth it… After all, you cannot see for yourself waiting for what’s around the corner. I know first hand how major depression & Bipolar depression can darken our minds to such a degree where hope seems dead. Truth is, it’s not. No matter what somebody did to you, said to you, or who it was…you were made for more.
  • We all know that in games there are winners, and there are losers.
  • You only lose if you accept defeat. It is really & truly possible to rise above your past, overcome your deepest pain or great obstacles, if you desire…with all of your heart. The path has been laid before you.


Where are you going?

Jesus heals all the brokenness inside.  Check out my story.

Peace, healing, deliverance, and Salvation are free…in Jesus Christ, The Son of God. The only way to God, The Father. You don’t have to be perfect to come to Him. We come to Him and He cleans us up. Empty is made whole in Jesus.



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Jealousy: A Poison to both Mind & Body

Recently, I began thinking about how much time I spent in my younger years of life (and even now) looking at the lives of others, seeing how green their grass was as opposed to mine…

Taking the time to open the eyes of my heart and  addressing the blessings of another creates an awareness of jealousy. I’ve found that once we analyze this we can easily see the humanness behind it all. We see our insecurities, fears, and the comparison of our lives to those of others (which is pointless and only encouraged by evil to ultimately destroy us with the hardening of the heart). The feelings of anger and frustration steal our joy. If this isn’t addressed to be taken care of, all of the potential inside of us, along with our very own gifts is waste.

The amount of energy put into the concern of some other person’s success, blessings, and the fruits of their labor could be used to accomplish things in our own lives.

So, be yourself, changing the world in the way that only you can!

I know that I need to be vocal and take action to express my delight in the success of others. I must keep my eyes fixed on my own homework, as copying leads to failure. I need to practice selflessness, thanking God for it all in praise and prayers of gratitude. In being observant of the needs of others, and not mine alone, I will live a far more fulfilling life. The peace is like nothing else.

God bless, dear friends.

Babies, Bipolar Disorder, family, Health, Mental Health, Personal Journey, Pregnancy

OBGYN Offices Can Be Depressing…

I went to my OBGYN today and had my annual exam, and all went well. It was the wait to get behind that door that led to the nurses station and patient rooms that was the most difficult.  Being finally seen by the doc! I dread it a lot, but not always. New mothers with their newborns or little babies, cuddling, comforting them and all smiles. The diaper bags with bottles of milk. And oh, the way babies are drawn to me! They grin ear to ear without fail! I am not being narcissistic, this is truth! Haha! Then there are several pregnant women who have yet to give birth. Its so weird to be in a room full of pregnant women, and be ME. I’m going to tell you the reason why.


As a happily married, young, 28 year old woman, I’m in the age group where people typically begin families. Some younger women in my family have already had their first child, and some more than one. I even know of people I graduated high school with that already have multiple children. I, however, am not one of those women.

In September of 2011 at age 26, I made a strong and difficult decision. A decision so big, that it would change the entire course of my life. I chose to have a tubal ligation. I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. and surgery was at 8 a.m. I recall when my doc. arrived. He asked me if I was sure that this was what I wanted to do, and I said most definitely, yes…It was an outpatient surgery, leaving only a tiny scar under my belly button. I had to change bandages and keep the area sterile for awhile, and take it very, very easy for a few days. The pain wasn’t too bad.

Why??? Is the reaction I typically get. That’s exactly what my Gyno. said to me the day I went in for a consultation. He asked me just how many babies I had had in my life, and I told him zero. That’s when he seemed a little hesitant. I told him that I did not want to have any children at all in my lifetime because I was on several psychiatric meds at that time for managing and maintaining a healthy life, having Bipolar disorder (I’m currently on all but one of the previous drugs) and that planning a healthy baby, and experiencing a happy pregnancy just didn’t jive with those meds. A healthy, happy baby and pregnancy didn’t jive with my mental illness either. Or the fact that its genetic, and I knew that for a fact.

As a pregnant Bipolar mom, you have to go off of all meds, or at least most as they are harmful to the unborn baby. For example, Lithium can cause a type of heart defect in babies. Lithium is my rock, and was then. Going off all of your meds when you’re Bipolar means losing support for stability. This is where manic relapse can and does occur. I’d been down that road more than once. The road of destruction, mania, they call it. Losing complete control of your mind and body, doing and saying anything and everything in the world to anyone in the world as it comes…breaking the hearts and spirits of the ones that matter most, and putting the lives of both you and your loved ones in danger. Bad flashbacks. I certainly did not want to be institutionalized during my pregnancy that was supposed to be so happy and celebrated with Baby-bump photos, picking out names, and a Shower. This kind of put a damper on things… So, in summary, I learned that getting pregnant would bring immediate hardship, and long endured hardship if done as instructed for a planned baby. I figured by the time I was weaned off the meds, upon conceiving I would have already snapped. I’m not just making this up. Its real, and I tried. I couldn’t go off them.

maskThere’s also something every woman should know going into pregnancy when being Bipolar. We are far more prone to experience what is called Postpartum Psychosis. This can be lethal for both the mother and baby. The chances of experiencing this increase with each pregnancy.

“Postpartum psychosis (or puerperal psychosis) is a term that covers a group of mental illnesses with the sudden onset of psychotic symptoms following childbirth…The onset is abrupt, and symptoms rapidly reach a climax of severity. Manic and acute polymorphic forms almost always start within the first 14 days, but depressive psychosis may develop somewhat later. A typical example is for a woman to become irritable, have extreme mood swings and hallucinations, and possibly need psychiatric hospitalization.”

Source: Wikipedia

Google for more info.

Maybe you’re thinking that no Bipolar meds means a healthy baby, and only a wreck of a mom? Think again.

“When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%.”***

I just couldn’t take that chance. I could not risk falling in love with a little piece of Heaven, being the mommy, and the baby being my world…only to have it grow older and have a manic episode and wind up terrified and very likely in danger of some sort. It could possibly ruin his or her life as unexpected manias often do. I just couldn’t wait that long. So many years down the road…Its like Bipolar Disorder comes with an inside bomb that ticks over time, only waiting to go off and explode onto the hearts of the lives of the individual, and the family.
Perhaps you may see my reasoning a little better now.

Some women have babies before even receiving their own Bipolar diagnosis in life. Many women still have babies despite their mental health issues or physical. A lot of overweight women get pregnant and have babies too. Nothing is stopping anyone.  I just know in my heart that I, personally, did the right thing for myself, my husband and our family, and ultimately for my unborn children.

I am a very spiritual person, and religiously a Christian. I believe, and hope that one day if I am fortunate enough to cross through the pearly gates there will be children. My children will be there.  I don’t mean I have some waiting for me there, just that I chose not to ask God to share a few of His most precious souls that were in Heaven with Him at the time. Instead of asking God to send them down to the earth to maybe go through what happened to me and those I know of, or things similarly,  I simply said no. I made the decision to not have natural children of my own.

According to the Holy Bible, there are unborn ones in Heaven, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…” Jeremiah 1:5.

Also, “The infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.” Isaiah 11:8.  So at some point there were, are, or are going to be babies in Heaven.

It is the most difficult decision I have ever made. Regrets? No. Sad thoughts  at times. Today for a few moments I felt sad in the doc’s office surrounded by all these pregnant women! I won’t lie, but they are fleeting. Something this major needs to be thought through very carefully. And it was. I waited 2 years before making the move upon figuring things out.

If you are like myself and happen to be a woman who is managing Bipolar disorder and are of childbearing age, desiring children, I encourage you to live your life the best way you can for a stable, sound mind, and explore, ask questions, and most definitely do your homework and research!!! You are a high risk pregnancy! Its important for you to be educated in making these life changing decisions.  Everyone has a story. Live yours to your liking and what will work wonderfully for you! I wish the best for all of you!

In looking for images for this blog, my spirit was lifted, as the image of babies always makes me and many others smile and laugh! It was very therapeutic lol.

God bless everyone, thanks for stopping by! 🙂


***Stats Source/See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org

-Images, courtesy Google Images.

When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%. – See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org/bipolar-statistics/#sthash.MDNpVszA.dpuf
When it comes to children with bipolar and adolescents who have it, they usually have one parent who has the disorder. This isn’t always the case so you want to still watch for any symptoms of bipolar in your children just in case. Children who have parents with this illness will have a risk of 15% to 30%. If both of the parents have it then the risk will be increased to 50% to 75%. – See more at: http://bipolarsymptoms.org/bipolar-statistics/#sthash.MDNpVszA.dpuf