<—-That’s me. I feel dead to the world. Its time to come alive..my eyes are about to be opened…I can feel it!
“My wounds cry for the grave! My soul cries for deliverance…will I be denied?…”-Tourniquet, Evanescence.
Its barely after 4 p.m. where I am in Kentucky in the United States. I have slept a lot today, still coming off the Caffeine that has truly interfered with my mental health. I have enjoyed this sunny break in the typical winter weather that January is known for here…but I am afraid more snow is around the corner. No matter what, I am sure it will be lovely…making for some snow ball fights and cuddle time, under the covers with Lou Lou and Bella 🙂 I am still experiencing the headaches that are part of coming off the Caffeine-so I am taking more Advil as the box directs me to. Right now I am listening to Evanescence and just finished my glass of ice-water. I find my inner strength is renewed every time I complete an entire listen to the full Fallen album by Evanescence. Its dark, but beautiful…and I get lost so easily in each melody, every world…It inspires me.
In this moment, I feel I have no support at home. Sure my dogs are there to comfort me to a certain degree…but my husband is in his own world. He can’t be there for me right now…Phone calls are comforting, but mom is hours away, and my family is sort of scattered and stuff…I am unable to play with J-Bird and Rocky as I should be (our pet birds). My world has been out of control, my mind and spirit shaken from this Caffeine ordeal. My spirit has grown tired and weary from all of this havoc wreaked upon it, needless…so powerful are 4 bottles of Starbucks Frapucinno to someone with Bipolar disorder, containing nearly 500mg of Caffeine, stimulating me, amplifying my anti-depressant…I encourage you to read up on Caffeine and drug interactions if you are Bipolar…
However, friends, I have absolutely not lost faith in my best friend. The one who actually WILL be there to pat me on the back when I get off the treadmill in a half an hour, the one whose name I pray to God through….Jesus. Jesus Christ is my best friend, and when it feels like I am all alone, which I am, and that no one cares, and I am all by myself…no one to encourage me to get on the treadmill etc…It has to come from inside. My faith is stronger than ever. Not only because it has to be, but because now that I am at another all time low, I can truly feel His presence, his arms around me, a spiritual embrace. Jesus dwells within me as I have been born again…buried with Him in Baptism, and I walk a new creature. He is my hope. The only one in the stands cheering me on. Though I cannot see Him, I feel him…and I know that I need to do this for myself. I need to go get on the treadmill despite the lack of human support. I need to combat Diabetes. I want to drop the Inhalers. I want to shed my pain aka the pounds from the last difficult 5 years.
I must draw strength from within. In my current mental state that makes me HE-MAN! ahaha!
God bless you guys, I will post later this evening after I face the treadmill! ❤