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Still The Same Mandy Inside…

It’s going on 2 a.m. here at our place. Sleep has become non-existent over the past few weeks. My cognition is slightly impaired as I took my P.M. meds over an hour ago, including my sleeping pill and Xanax (both prescribed btw). Now I’m sitting here because I am still too restless to go to bed. It’s like I just do not want to rest. I’m sittin’ here with my Sarah McLachlan playlist going strong. My personal favorite for the time being, Sweet Surrender.

The death of my father and the new blindness in my mother’s left eye this summer have just now really hit me. My mood isn’t quite exactly stable now, following these horrible circumstances and how I am handling the pain. It’s so difficult to choose between the matters of doing right, using coping mechanisms as recommended in therapy to handle the grief, verses just self-medicating with particular beverages and other out-of-character things.

This life is short. According to my Christian faith and all I’ve ever known, what matters the most is being ready to face judgement, the determination of where we as individuals will spend eternity. What matters most is the work we do out of love for our fellow man to help everyone, treating them all with the greatest amount of kindness, love, and consideration in the most humble manner. We must forgive even the cruelest of hearts in order to be forgiven ourselves by our God. God is love. I need God right now. My prayers have decreased in number lately, but I’m hanging on to my faith.

I’ve given my mother such a hard time by talking and acting in manners that make her worry so much about me and my well being. She was right there with me from that day I was diagnosed in that office to every hospitalization (every set of visiting hours with quarters for calls home and flowers to bring cheer), countless therapy trips, successes, failures, and getting back up. My mother knows how far I’ve come. She loves me more than anyone else in the human form. I cannot let her down anymore by consuming foods and beverages containing Caffeine that cancels the manic-relapse power of my medication. Things are very difficult right now, and in my engaging in anti-complying activity is just going to send me back down…

That being said, I am getting back up. I’m tossing the rest of this can of Caffeinated soda pop into the trash.

It’s hard being a Christian in a world like the one we live in today for anyone. I think its especially hard for people with any type of disability. I know that for me, personally, I am not a very reliable person at times which makes it hard to keep a great attendance on Sunday’s for obeying the Word. I would love to be a Sunday school teacher someday, but right now I seem to change my mind a lot based on how I feel.  After all, I have a mood disorder. Some days the Bipolar has more pull than on other days. Sometimes it feels like I am in the middle, torn between the opinions, values, and deepest desires of two very different beings. Mood disorders can be so exhausting.

I recall a quote my sister reminded me of the other day that I said when I was around age 6 and had just lost one of my front teeth and also been prescribed glasses.

I said to her, “Sis, I may be missing one of my front teeth and I have to wear glasses now, but I’m still the same Mandy inside.”


Thinking back on that line (which I do not remember) a moment of sadness overcomes me. Emotion. I guess its just touching. The wisdom of a child.

I may be managing life with Bipolar disorder and the scars that remain, but I’m still that same Mandy inside.

Don’t forget who you are.



America, Anorexia, Anxiety, Autobiography, BDD, Bipolar, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Clothing, Confidence, coping, Depression, diet, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Help, eating habits, exercise, Fitness, Health, Hope, humanity, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, lifestyle, Love, Mental Illness, My Life, NAMI, Overcoming eating disorders, People, pop culture, relationships, self esteem, self-help, Social Media, Soul Searching, true happiness, weight gain, weightloss, who i am, Women, Women's Matters

Trying To Stay Slim Was Grim: Manifesting An Eating Disorder During My Developmental Years

The majority of these images are…me from a toddler to a high school student, but the four pics on the right are celebrity pop stars who were just getting started and raging during my developmental years. They were part of the manifestation of my eating disorder.

Society and The Media

From Britney Spears, The Spice Girls, Willa Ford, and Christina Aguilera, it doesn’t matter who or which one…I did not measure up to the likes of ANY of them! I just wasn’t born with pop star genes. This was unacceptable. My stomach just would not tone to look like theirs. These women were walking charisma, breathing beauties, and *perfection* at its best. I just didn’t match up.

I just came up with this idea tonight and thought I would create a collage based on the feelings and experiences of a major part of my youth. It wasn’t these celebrities alone that led me to harmful, self-destructive behaviors, it was rejection.


I was a nice “Church Girl”, very much in love with a little high school ladies man, the rebel, the biggest flirt, the cockiest one, the leader of the pack. We knew each other for years in school, and he toyed with my heart strings, sending me all sorts of mixed signals. Perhaps he was really into me? He broke my heart when he showed up at the Sophomore Homecoming dance with another girl (after declining my invite with the response that he just didn’t feel up to it). Ouch.

I guess I could just say that this guy chose a very outgoing young lady over me. My actual first love ironically ended over similar issues. Being a good girl felt really bad. So yeah, love was never a friend of mine for a very long time.


The mall was one of my biggest opponents as well. Just when it wasn’t hard enough facing those teeny chicks my age shopping for clothes, laughing, talking about the lives that they had…it only got worse when I tried the clothes on. Dang.

Mirrors were cannonballs fired from the dark side. They were flaming arrows that stung me deep, down into my soul. For years I used a garbage back to cover much of my torso until I would heal up mentally and get in shape physically, becoming an entirely healthy young woman. Also, I learned in my darkest hours that numbers on scales can really mess with our troubled minds. So, my progress was tracked by being weighed backwards by medical professionals or my mother. Recovery is a tender thing to find.

An Eating Disorder, accompanied by an eating disordered mentality, body dysmorphic disorder, lack of  self esteem, shattered dreams, and a broken heart is a whole lot to swallow…

I’m here though!

I am here to tell you that its not over and that you can overcome your disorder or even now like myself, overcome any dark memories or emotions that creep up now and then regarding it all. You are going to be okay, I promise. When we fall down we just have to take a minute to sigh, dry our tears, and then gather our things, get up, and head on out. We were meant to enjoy this life. Its people, society and the media that teach us we are defect. God does not make mistakes. Hold your head high. You are beautiful!




America, Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, end times, God, helping others, Jesus, Life, lifestyle, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, My Life, NAMI, People, Personal Journey, self esteem, self-help, Soul Searching, War

What Are People Really Looking For?

In looking over my Blog Stats for the past month, I’ve noticed a trend. More and more people are searching for the Prayer Stop Poem “Are You Ready?” with an unknown author.
This poem is about the second coming of Christ and is written in the point of view of someone living in a home where Jesus isn’t really given any thought or priority. Throughout the poem the concern for the soul grows as it reaches the climax when the speaker’s name is not found written in the Book of Life. He was told by Jesus that it wasn’t seen there.

The last part of the poem by the unknown author is this:

I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear,
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There’s only one life and when comes the last call,
We’ll find that the Bible was true after all!

This poem gets up to nearly 20 views some days. Most of the days it is being viewed, no matter how small the number. I find this to be very interesting. This Poem post is viewed and sought after more than any other faith-related post on this blog. Perhaps more and more people are seeking Christ, curious to see what He’s all about and if there is true healing…even an eternal life? Is the world really in so much turmoil that the end is drawing near? Are we ready?

Read the poem HERE

I am very happy that this poem has spread around the globe via the internet. In today’s world you do not have to be able to travel abroad to share and spread the Gospel, or help other human beings in need. Today’s technology makes it all possible with just an internet connection, keyboard and mouse or whatever! At any given time, you can reach out and spread the Good News of The Bible, Jesus, and God’s Love for humanity, The Plan of Salvation. At any given time you can encourage those in need of support and prayer anywhere in the world. We are able to reach everyone and let them know that they are not alone. That is what I consider the greatest blessing of the online connection and blogging to be: To share our stories, relate to each other, offer hope to one another, compassion, prayer, and love.

Take me, for example. I am not financially thriving or successful in a career as I’d planned. However, I am blessed to be able to pay the cable/internet bill and have 24/7 online access to the rest of the world. Because of this single blessing alone, I am able to read the stories of others whom I can relate to. I have been enlightened and encouraged by various websites with positive information and support. So I took my blessing and I’m doing my best to extend it in the work of my positive and encouraging words to everyone else. Let the blessing pass on. I have a mood disorder and not every day is good. There are posts in the archives of  that are totally inconsistent with the goal of a positive themed blog. We’re all human, but its our efforts to keep on keeping on that make us.

You can make a difference from where you are right now. You don’t have to wait until you graduate or until you complete something, anything. Nothing is stopping you right now from reaching out into the world to offer your talent, your blessing to others who need to hear from you. Don’t get discouraged. You are special in your own way. 😉



Anorexia, Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Depression, employment and mental illness, NAMI, working

Employment and Mental Illness


This is a topic that is very dear to me, as it is something I am dealing with in the moment. I wanted to share this article (and image) via about going back to work when dealing with a mental illness. I hope it will be of some help to you or give you insight for the next step in your life if you are seeking employment with these circumstances. Check it out here:

Employment and Mental Illness: Investing in Programs that Work