healing, life, Personal Journey

Not At All…

So I’m sitting here this morning just astonished at my reality. Life is not at all what I believed it to be. So many things have been brought to the light as the darkness in my world has been exposed. Ever since I got saved in 2014, I was one of the Rapture Watchers, like 24/7. I was subscribed to every single end time news YouTube channel as well as a bunch of rapture related channels made by regular people like myself-many with a spirit of fear attached, panic, and anxiety.

Most of this year I have not been watching for the return of The Lord Jesus. At the beginning of the year I was given a powerful word from what I believed to be The Holy Spirit. So I took every step in faith and leaped by faith. As I shared what I’d been given, I experienced horrible backlash from my family and many many tears because of my firm stance on this situation. The night that the lying spirit spoke to me in all of my sorrow and many tears it said “Count the cost.” My world was falling apart and I truly believed I was hearing from The Lord.

Long story short, it’s been one heck of a ride with so much confusion. This year 2017 has been one of the worst of my life. I saw people online earlier in the year proclaiming it as the year of breakthrough but so far I haven’t achieved that in my personal life. I had a very vivid dream back in March where it had just rained and the sky was beautiful, the early morning air was misty. I looked at my husband and I said “This is the genesis.” New beginnings right? I expected something great to happen, but not all new beginnings are good or what we expect.

So, somewhere in this mess with the lying spirits I fell into sin and wound up with a stubborn spirit husband. Maybe it was there all along and assigned to me for such a time as this, I dunno. There’s much to be researched and said about the matter. I have so many spiritual issues right now I could never count them. I have cried out to God about all of this and I am currently coughing up my deliverance one day at a time from this nightmare. I have been sexually molested by unseen demons since about March, nearly 5 months. There’s been very little peace but I have been learning so, so much…

Earlier in the year when I came out of agreement with the molesters and stopped giving into their antics, they began harassing me in other ways like playing with my hair or attacking me with sharp pains or pinches on my arms or legs that felt like tiny bites. I have never ever experienced these demonic attacks and I never ever believed in Deliverance ministry. Funny how experience changes things eh?

Today I came to the conclusion that it is completely impossible to be holy and live holy when you are being sexually molested and aroused 24/7 around the clock. This impacts the type of music I listen to, my moods, and relationships. My mother is concerned about me because she says I am always not feeling good. The devil uses unclean spirits like the spirit husbands/wives to attempt to destroy marriages. It’s not going to work in our case because we are ordained by God Almighty to be together on this journey of life. If it were not for God we would have split years ago for sure. I see God’s Hand in our marriage even today as He is constantly putting new love in our hearts one for another. Despite my husband being a non-believer, he is yet very supportive of me in my faith and encourages me to not miss fellowship meetings and to read my Bible. It’s amazing. Glory to God!

I am just worn and weary, tired of sinning because of this consistent sexual harassment. God knows I am human and but clay, and He understands more than I know…

In this mess I have discovered that I am not the mature Christian I believed myself to be the last few years. In fact, I know very little Scripture and hardly have any memorized (mostly because of the mind control psychotropic meds I’ve been on for years that were messing with my brain). God has placed me in a new group of Believers where we meeting most days of the week and hang out to pray, read the Word, hear a lesson and fellowship in support of each other in these last days. I am so blessed and not thankful enough for this precious gift! This group is rooted in Deliverance Ministry but yet a general Christian hangout on the Zoom social media platform. It’s amazing how He provides me with the means in the midst of my problems. I was going at all of this alone and was clueless so He drew me into my new amazing family and friends. I could like write a book about all of this, wow…

I am not ready for The Rapture. Yes, after warning people all over the internet and buying emergency food supplies and water, I stopped looking when my drama came down at the beginning of this year. This does not mean that anything has changed. Everything is right on schedule with God’s prophetic timeline. I’ve just backed off from the end times news because I have so much trouble going on in my brain and life that I cannot handle and process anything else right now. I know I am not seeing it the way I should and I’ve prayed about that. God’s Mercy is huge, greater than I’ve ever imagined…or will ever know. I have some repenting to do and spiritual work and examining of myself and all. So much information, so much shock, so many life changers in the first half of my 2017. I have been double minded and teeter-tottering from holy to hellish so much lately that it’s exhausting. I mean I need to pick a side and stay on it. However, I know He is able to prepare His Bride and will finish what he started.

I have been rebelling against God and venting alone with taking long drives in my car while listening to worldly and demonic music. This is my coping mechanism. I can’t lasth out at the house. Then I get home and I go back to my MercyMe and Third Day from the Avenged Sevenfold and Katy Perry I’d been playing in my car…ahem.. Some days I just don’t think I can ever go on and I do not want to see another day because I really and truly believe in my heart that I can not take one more day of this. The spirits of suicide and death are running rampant around our globe right now. It’s so sad because many of the sufferers are Christians. God’s People are being attacked like never before. However, we know that all things work out to the good for those that love The Lord. My sin brought the demons into my life and exposed what had already been there and my late father’s Freemason connection to my life and all this other occult stuff.

Legal rights. Renunciations. Binding the strongman. The false Holy Spirit and prophecies. The Kundalini spirit. The fragmentation of my soul.  Ungodly Soul ties. ACTUAL spiritual warfare. Binding and losing. The Kingdom of darkness. Deliverance ministry. The battle for my soul. Generational curses. Automatic writing. The signs and wonders that follow those that believe. Miraculous healing. Casting out demons in Jesus’ Name. Raising the dead. The Mind-blowing Power of The Holy Spirit. Also, sometimes Jesus casts demons out of me Himself when I don’t do anything or address them down here-it’s really a faith  builder! I have cast demons out in our Lord’s Name and I have had them cast out of me. They come out in the forms of coughs, burps, yawns and stuff.

Finally, It has been brought to my attention by The Power of The Holy Spirit that I have many wounds that need healing inside. There are things called defense mechanisms that need to be addressed in my life right now. Read this text below from greatbiblestudy.com

“What is a defense mechanism? A defense mechanism is an ungodly reaction within a person that is designed to prevent the person from further harm. It can be fear, unforgiveness, un-correctiveness, rebellion, etc. Think of it as a wall which keeps out both the bad guys along with the good guys.

Unfortunately, the very thing which rises up to defend us, is the very thing which prevents our wound from ever healing. The Holy Spirit is more than eager to get us healed and restored, but we must not put our hand in His face when He’s trying to heal. One of the most important steps in the inner healing process is to remove defense mechanisms so that the Holy Spirit can heal the wounds. Begin to deal with the defense mechanisms, and you will make yourself available for healing.”

I have some strongholds that have to be taken down by The Power of God. I have began mapping it all out in a notebook to try and sort things out to come to a state of peace and a solid walk with Jesus. I hope somehow this post blesses you. Its’ very big but so are the feelings and thoughts inside 🙂

God bless in Jesus’ Name.


3 thoughts on “Not At All…”

  1. My dear sister! I can relate to so much of what you wrote about. First, God does not want us watching in fear and waiting on a “rapture”. I don’t know what powerful word the Lord gave you that you shared, but would love to hear it. I can also relate to the backlash from your family. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God told me to write my book and guided me in every word, but I have had to “count the cost” with my family. Now, we have a choice to follow God and walk in obedience to Him or follow man and that includes family. When we encounter new spiritual levels with the Lord, we also encounter new devils. Remember, new levels, new devils. I can also relate to the demonic attacks that you have encountered because of this. Please feel free to call or email me. You are not crazy, my sister. You are being delivered of the demonic strongholds of your past and the principalities are not wanting to let go. But remember, Satan has already been defeated. God bless you and protect you, my sweet sister!!

    1. Wow Sis what an awesome comment! Very encouraging and I appreciate you so much! I just now saw this comment-just showed up tonight. Maybe the enemy was messing with my WordPress, I rebuke that in Jesus Name 🙂
      It is so inspiring when someone like you shares that they can relate and we know we are not alone. God connects people and all His ways are perfect Amen! And I LOVE your saying “new levels, new devils.” Ain’t that the truth! I am excited about a new level woot woot! Being delivered from the past strongholds with the enemy fighting back may be rough right now Sis, but Amen! thank you bunches for your kind words of edification, I see the light at the end of the tunnel!
      Oh yeah, the powerful word was not from the Lord because I was lied to-that part was a lying spirit, familiar spirit. I was told I was pregnant with twins and they already had names. I was told to prophesy to my husband and all this other stuff like by their first baby clothes. I did so in faith and great expectation, but I also took many negative pregnancy tests and it hurt so much. This was me experiencing the kingdom of darkness on a whole new level. My trust in The Lord has been tested but I still believe and press on and I press in for more faith and strength in prayer. I dunno what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future right? Yay God! *hugs* much love Sis! Keep up the good work for The Lord and The Kingdom in Jesus Name! xoxox

      1. Yay God is right!! We serve an awesome God. Never lose Hope, my sister. The enemy tries to steal it from us but he can’t when we keep our eyes on the Lord. I pray that God will protect you and heal you and bring you all the desires of your heart!!

Whatcha think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s