What “Getting Messed Up” Means to Me

This is My idea of ‘getting messed up’…

Yeah. Forget Alcohol and drugs.

Since I had my first manic episode in 2004 and began Bipolar medications, my sensitivity to Caffeine has sky rocketed! In fact, this impact is so dramatic that it sends me into a almost hypo-manic state of mind. Because I consume this stimulant (and obviously the more milligrams the greater the effect) I get this high. My mood becomes really elevated and I get all giddy, inspired, act out of character, make poor decisions, and with sky high confidence, just about believe I can fly. I never seem to have enough to say.

However, I must say that when this stimulant brings out the Bipolar in me, I am at my most creative. Its not worth going insane though. There is a strange sort of beauty about madness, but what it can do to you is ugly as can be.

If I stop for even a day, I crash…hard. I have to stay in bed all day, like yesterday. I tried to quit, and then this morning I went back to my pick me up. Ugh. Being human is a hard thing.

We all respond differently to any drug with our unique physical/mental makeups. This one just totally rocks my boat and just about sinks me.

-But no matter what we cannot give up. We must keep trying to be our best selves. So, God bless.



  1. Learning your triggers and how to control (or not) what you ingest, is very important. Remember that food is medicine and medicine is food. You can use it to your benefit. Keep up the self knowing – Lorian

    1. Thank you for this great insight, Lorian! I did some research and I’ve found that my anti-depressant or SSRI (which gives everyone a boost and at too high doses for Bipolars, pose a manic threat) is exacerbated with Caffeine use. Prozac + Caffeine + Bipolar Disorder = elevated mood, hypo-mania, mania…hospital.
      I am questioning if I am psychologically addicted to Caffeine.

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