This Side of Goodbye

I think tomorrow my mother, sister, and I are going to go into the ICU for our final goodbyes to my father. I haven’t cried as much and in the way I had always anticipated. Maybe i mourned ahead of time…I don’t know. I spent many nights in the past crying over my dad’s sickness and situation. I would pray… I have kept praying. In fact, I have especially prayed fearlessly these past few montsh that God would relieve dad of his suffering no matter what it took/that I was okay with him moving on.

dadThis picture was taken about 7 years ago after my dad’s first amputation, before he lost his other leg. His mind was totally in tact, and his outlook was real and his sense of humor was right up to par as always. Things really changed over the years, and here we are.g a few minutes

Seeing him once again on the vent was worse last night as the neurologist stopped sedation to see how he would react. Within a couple minutes, he began having what the doctor called a brain seizure as his brain was agitated due to going without oxygen for several minutes when all of this began with the aspiration on the drink at dialysis. Watching his body react in such a way was horrible. So now we know that not only can my dad not breathe without the vent, he cannot be still, stable or normal without the addition of medicines. There is a lot of brain damage. There is very little functioning in his brain now.

My father’s life wasn’t pleasant at all before all of this happened while on dialysis and just living at the nursing facility, slowly declining and withering away since day 1 of this stuff. Now he is just a body with functioning organs, breathing sustained by a machine, and medicine to make him be still and rest. This is not life. This is punishing.

I told God that all of my trust is in Him and asked for Him to do the best for my dad to find comfort and know the peace he’s been without for years. May God’s Will always be done.

I am not sure, but I think tomorrow afternoon will be the day that my daddy goes home. I have plans on spending a few minutes alone with him before my mother and sister join me to be there with him in his final moments on earth-watch  his final breath.

This is so crazy, but this is life. This is my life. And, its really happening. Its happening right now.


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