Note: This may not flow the right way as it should, but it is coming out as it comes, freely, all fluid and stuff. I am not stoned.
Tonight I am reflecting back over the years of my life from what I thought was normalcy to my Bipolar-ism, which really showed itself at age 18. Prior to my diagnosis in Spring of 2004, March to be exact, I had always been a very expressive and artistic person. However, even at age 13 when I had never heard of anything called Bipolar, I always felt odd, out of place, different, weird, or whatever. Call it what you want. I personally feel this was my life’s intuition in its early development.
Why is it that madness is pure beauty…and the “normal” 9 to 5 so unappealing (All of this, to me)? Why is it that I produce my best work when I have had very little sleep, too much Caffeine, and the wrong sinus meds? Perhaps that is because all three of those stimulate me? They make one hell of a cocktail for Mania! My husband does not believe in Mania…or so it seems that way. Its almost like I’ve made up this scary little story for him regarding my past…Its not a little story. Its real. Damn real. Excuse the language, I’ve already taken my p.m. meds, so I’m brutally honest and very relaxed with heavy eyelids.
Speaking of Mania, I think I went up scale a little on the Manic side of the Bipolar mood spectrum tonight. It was triggered by a family issue, but luckily I did not acting on any of my harmful thoughts like drinking a bottle of Red wine. I looked up Alcohol consumption and Mania and this is what it pulled up on some medical site:
“When a person with bipolar disorder drinks alcohol, it can cause her symptoms to become more severe. The NIAAA reports the findings of a research study conducted by Susan Sonne and colleagues in 1994 that compared the severity of symptoms between people with bipolar disorder who drank alcohol and those who did not; they found that those who drank were more likely to be hospitalized, experience an earlier onset of bipolar disorder, experience more rapid cycling and have more mixed forms of mania.”
“WOW!!!” I exclaimed aloud to myself at my computer, wine bottle and bottle opener at my left… Ultimately I did not act on the ever so negative thoughts I was having because I took a moment to think back about what a Manic relapse really means for me. It struck me then that If one were to occur I would no longer be in control of my mind or body, and at the thought of that I ran into the kitchen and put everything back where I got it. Then, not to get all sentimental on you folk, I thought about my blog, my online friends, social networking an so on. I didn’t want to let you down. I try and stay positive for myself and you too, because I really want to help everyone and make a difference. This just proves, as I am already aware of, that I too am struggling on a journey and this is not some destination thing, as we hear in support groups etc…
All of that aside, my husband is gone to help his brothers do some heavy labor. I am pretty sure he’d be pretty pissed to come home to find me wined out, and tipsy, hahaha…Nah, I won’t do it. It was tempting though :(
Ever notice how so very many artists, creators, and just plain brilliant people throughout the history of the world to present day were and are Bipolar? I am most definitely not saying that people who aren’t born with this disease are absolutely untalented…I just find the prior fact fascinating is all. There are a bunch of things that characterize us Polar-bears in our unique ways…I love that. I made that up-though I am sure someone else already has. Haha…No need to list them all here, we all know what goes on… :P If you are a new polar-bear, there are times when I have better, more informative pieces to share. This is mostly a late night, rant from one Bipolar-bear who has had a very long day and is ready for sleepy town!
So, dear friends and fellow Polar-bears, I will leave you with this thought to ponder on tonight…
As you are taking in your current breath, someone is inhaling their last…and exhaling to cross over to the other side. You will remain until your days are up, but what will you do with the rest of your time?