I just got back from the outdoor walking track. I was there alone for a while and then other people began slowly coming in. I can remember so clearly when I couldn’t go to the walking track because of the other women/girls there. I believed in my heart that I was really flawed and they had it made. If some chick had a decently toned body, slightly in shape, seemed happy and was maybe laughing with a friend, then she was better than me.
So insecure and fearful of judgement with the paranoia that they were all laughing and whispering about me, my visits to the track never lasted too long. There were many times where I would go to the track and not even be able to make it out of the car. It was a pain that burned inside of me so strongly that it governed much of my daily life…
Looking back at the days where my Bulimia was alive and thriving, or my Bipolar medications weren’t adjusted just right, I now see the truth. I understand my pain. More importantly, I better understand other ‘humans’ and I finally grasp the reality that we are all simply mortal. We are all flesh-we bend and break. Somebody else is just like me in another costume. Every person has fears, doubts, pain and sufferings of different sorts. Just because we never hear about them doesn’t mean that these people aren’t dealing with problems of their own.
I will admit that therapy was very helpful for me in gaining insight as to why I felt the way I did, how I could manage those feelings, and make small efforts for a bigger change. I’ve been journaling for years, and it is so therapeutic for me. Typing/blogging too-its all the same. Getting all of the pain out of me…I needed to purge my irrational thoughts and false beliefs, not food. When I was finally able to understand that we are all simply human, we all bleed, we fall, we fail…and our bodies (toned to plus sized) are but shells that house our very souls…it was then my eyes were open and my heart softened.
Also, my relationship with God is just as significant in the story of my healing as all the therapy, medications, groups, books, and all. Truthfully, there were years where I never opened a Bible. My Church attendance was a handful throughout a year if that. However…I never stopped praying. I talked to God daily, or close to it. I know it was my prayers that He heard and answered. Though so unaware, I was never alone. Because of God’s grace, His favor, I survived. Friends, we need something BIGGER to hold onto. We can’t beat these larger than life struggles alone. When God’s involved, you don’t just end up better off, you end up enlightened, changed, seeing life with new eyes.
So now when I hit the track/gym and I see a fit, sexy girl that looks nothing like me, I do not call her better or happier. We put our panties on the SAME WAY. I now know that we are all at different places in life. My storms are my storms. Our rainbows happen when they are supposed to. Just because I am not a single digit dress size like a decade ago, does not mean that I am not happy or sexy myself! This year was so very dark for me, but on a brighter note, it’s been ever so educational. I’ve learned more about life, love for other people, God, where my heart is, what matters since I was first diagnosed.
I am alive and thriving. I’m breathing with a beating heart, I have goals and priorities. This is my life. I no longer spend it analyzing another person’s. This way I have joy. Happiness is born inside of us.