When You Just Can’t Forgive Someone.

Let’s look back at this in our minds when it seems we can’t forgive someone.

No matter how great the wrong they’ve done is, we must forgive others the way God forgives us by the sacrifice of His very own Son, Jesus Christ. We must forgive them to enter into the Kingdom. God is love and Heaven is The home of Love-never a tear. Nothing evil will enter in, including a grudge. We all go through difficult situations in life, from lies and betrayal, various types of abuse, or even murder, but we must forgive. Not because I think so, but because God says so. I know that seems impossible at times, but the Bible says that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength and that with God all things are possible. So it must be true. We can do this. We can let go. It just takes time and practice. God bless

Little to Say…

I have little to say lately, but I would like to share this with you.

 

beautiful.

<3

Someone loves you… Whether you know it or not.

Someone needs something you have to offer this world whether you recognize it or not.

You are here for a reason, whether you’ve found your purpose or not.

Plant seeds of hope in the heart of another and watch them grow. Grow far beyond their limits.

-Amanda-

*Image via Google

Body-focused Anxiety and Me

What is anxiety like for you?

Anxiety, for me, is a huge tide of fear rolling over my heart. Before I know it, in my mind I’m surrounded by all of my insecurities and worries of pain the future could bring. I’m flooded with negativity, and then I try not to blow up. I take medication for anxiety at bed time for sleep and then as needed throughout the week. However, I must say the most powerful source of the strongest and most outrageous anxiety level for me is…my closet.

Body-focused anxiety is just what it sounds like. When I face my closet and have to pick out clothing for the day, it just sets me up. It is so scary that the clothing I pick and the turn out of how it all fits determines how my experiences will be for that day or event. In fact there have been several occasions, Including Church services, where I had a surprise when trying on some clothing-it just ruined everything and I didn’t go. I am a former Bulimic, but just because I am not doing the acts of an eating disorder does not mean that everything in my mind is all cleared too.There’s something that everyone can’t see about me that I fight with despite having found recovery from Bulimia years ago.

I have dealt with Body Dysmorphic Disorder for years. I would say from age 16 until now at 29.

“BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one’s appearance.”

  -The Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Read More about this horrible illness HERE

I get all of those feelings I described above just from trying to figure out what to wear when going somewhere. Yes, its that intense.

BDD is different for everyone as we all have our own things going on with our appearances and struggles. All through high school I hated myself for not having a well-toned stomach like all of the female pop-superstars that my friends and I idolized while trying to figure out who we were at the same time! Society can be cruel. The media is full of falsification, which of course we didn’t know until we were all grown up packing around our self help books trying to undo it all!

If you are interested in learning more and to really understand BDD, I recommend reading

THE BROKEN MIRROR

It could give you great insight.

No matter what you see on magazines, movie screens, or at the mall…YOU are wonderfully and fearfully made!  That line is written in the Bible, Ask God! You can’t compare yourself to others and be accurate. It doesn’t work that way. Nothing about you is a mistake, we just have to keep trying to put positive things into our minds daily and learn to love ourselves, and to never stop growing and learning.

God bless!

-Amanda-

My Shiny Bible

 

I go to Church about every other Sunday.

Then I’m facing the mirror again every Monday.

 

If I don’t try on my dress the night before,

With anger I’ll scream, not make it out the door.

 

I always feel I owe them an explanation.

A black sheep in this Congregation…

 

I’m fighting a battle that they cannot see.

There’s a dark war going on inside of me.

 

My black, leather Bible is shiny, looks new.

I hurry past Greeters to find my back pew.

 

I’d do it over, and over, do it over again.

Be baptized for Jesus to wash away my sins.

 

Fifteen years ago, I did right when I gave my life to Christ.

But a Bipolar whirl shook me, every moment became a fight.

 

Mania and depression messed up that sweet girl.

But, I didn’t know in that clam was a pearl!

 

So much happened that I did not plan.

But I know someday we will all understand.

 

I’m pressing on, I’m working, and being all that I can be.

For I know I can do all things through Him that strengthens me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Is Happening Right Now!

Yes, indeed, life is happening right now. We are making history in the moment!

Last night my sister, mom and I went out for ice cream after getting mom’s things and all settled in my sister’s guest bedroom. It was so funny for me to be the one driving with my mother in the back seat and sister (13 years older than me) in the passenger seat-just never done that before. My sister asked me if I learned to drive from my dad, which made me laugh as he was fearless and always so confident with everything in life! We were a family again, and dad was present in our hearts. I am so grateful to God for my mother and sister. I love them so!

My husband and I got my mom to the ER here by 3 am after leaving at midnight last night. Long story short, her vision is permanently gone in her left eye due to the stroke. Labs were drawn yesterday and particular tests will be done in the coming weeks to really check her system out and for stroke prevention as well. I was devastated. Mom hid her pain, but I could see the hurt in her eyes. We did not expect this, and certainly not now.

I’m not worried right now. The Father in Heaven is in charge, and with God driving, I know it will be okay. I praise Him that the stroke didn’t do any further damage. She is so blessed. My family has been spared so much heartache and pain over the years. Blessed be His Holy Name! I, too, am a living testament of answered prayer, having been protected in all of the danger I’ve been exposed to over the years because of my Bipolar disorder and so on.

So…

I’m putting that bucket list post that I made recently in motion! We are not promised tomorrow. Things are forever changing as this world spins. I’m no longer looking for work as my world has just been shaken in a very profound way. I’m trusting in God and now I see my life’s purpose unraveling.

I think that if we make our life goals very defined, we are far more likely to stay the course. Don’t get distracted, dear friends, and keep your eyes on your goal. My personal life’s goal is to make Heaven, because as they say, This world is not my home. I am far more serious about achieving it than I have ever been in my entire life. All of the struggle of the past decade or so has brought me so close to God. I saw Him do great things in my life. He is delivering me out of it all now, and the eyes of my heart have been opened, just as I prayed.

The longer I live, the more I realize that the memories are being made NOW, and they’re all we will have to look back on, and they’re what we leave behind when we pass on.

I have insomnia-Its almost 1:30 a.m. Gotta go find the Advil for the headache. God bless! <3

 

Mom Isn’t Doing So Well…

The last few of my posts haven’t been typical. I’ve been going through a lot mentally. I’ve been thinking too much about life-been questioning the usual themes. Even with strong will and convictions embraced, and all that we hold firm to, people can still get caught up in life. Wondering too much is distracting. Distraction makes way for better chances of getting off track, I suppose.

We are all where we are supposed to be right now in this very moment. That was incredibly difficult for me to grasp all my life up until now. Even now, I am still “grasping,” with slippery fingers. Second, I believe it to be true that we were all born fully equipped with everything we would ever need to carry out our life’s mission. I wish I had heard that ten years ago, but everything happens for a reason.  The ups and downs of life actually shape who we become. One life event is prepping us for the next one and so on.The hard work is prepping us to enjoy the victory and how marvelous it really is.

My mother is such an amazing woman, the sweetest soul with the biggest heart. She’s as delicate as a flower.

She loves her family and everyone with all she has.

Things had finally begun to settle down in my life after losing dad in early June. Last night around 9 p.m. I got a phone call from my mom telling me that she was on her way to the ER with her sister who insisted she go because my mother all of a sudden had this strange pain in her left eye. Mom was home alone and I guess her sister called and then they went from there. So after waiting around for a couple hours, my mother called me back. She said that the doctor there had labs drawn which turned out okay, but nothing seemed to really be serious, yet ordered mom to go see an actual optometrist this morning at 8 a.m.

This afternoon mom phoned to tell me that at her eye appointment she found out that she had had a light stroke in her left eye. More labs were drawn, and an ultrasound was scheduled to check for blockages in her neck. All of this just blew me away. How did we get from an annoying eye pain while watching TV to this???

Anyway…this evening I found out from my sister that my mother can’t really see out of her left eye right now, which she did not tell me earlier. Mom shelters me from it all because I am her baby, and she knows how very sensitive I am and just how emotional I get whenever we discussed her sickness or any kind in the past. She is my everything in the human form. My mom is my best friend. Yes, I cried a few tears, but for the most part I’m just numb.

My sister and I are headed 3 hours south east to snatch mom up with her things, and my old dog Little, and head back up here to central KY. We are going to have her PCP in my old hometown refer her to a very nice facility here in the city where she will be very well taken care of. My aunt is with her tonight.

This brings me to my prayer request.

Please, people of faith, I ask you to pray for my momma as she is dealing with all of this stuff out of the blue. My prayer is that her vision be restored and fixed, the right and the best medications will be prescribed if needed, God will protect the rest of her body from anything else, and that  the entire medical team simply be instruments of God-Let Him work through their hands and eyes.

Finally, My Praise report!

I Praise God Almighty that when my mother was home alone and this stroke happened that He was there and it did not spread to any other area of her body. God has blessed her health many times, and mine as well. Blessed be His Holy Name!

Thank you for reading and for all prayers. God bless everyone tonight. Remember that things can change in the blink of an eye on this earth, so be sure and end each day on a great note, never let the sun go down on your wrath, and always part ways in peace. We never know when ours or anyone’s days are up.

x0 Amanda